Sunday Evening Funnies

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Monday Jul 08 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Nathan’s held its annual Hot Dog Eating Contest on July 4. The winner and seven-time champion was a guy named Joey Chestnut. He ate 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes. How is that possible? My garbage disposal doesn’t work that fast.

Last Thursday we celebrated our 237th year of independence from Great Britain. And our 10th year of dependence on the Chinese.

In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren’t allowed to associate with known felons.

The show “Cops” is now on the NFL network. That’s how bad it’s gotten.


On Friday Paula Deen fired her publicist. Her publicist is calling it Black Friday. I can’t repeat what Paula Deen is calling it.

A new report reveals that Mexico has replaced the United States as the world’s fattest nation. In fact, Mexicans now are trying to cross the border just to ask, “Are you going to finish that?”

Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she’s so old that she could be a Republican.

Late Show with David Letterman

Congratulations to Joey Chestnut. He’s a competitive eater and he won the Hot Dog Eating Contest out there in Coney Island. He ate 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes. He gets the check, he gets the trophy, he gets the colon cancer.

It’s hot in New York City. Here’s how hot it is. The Lone Ranger, instead of a mask, is now wearing a cold compress.

We have new saints — Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII. Pete Rose — once again, no dice.

The new Superman movie has made like $600 million. Superman’s real name is Kal-El. When he knew he was going to be in show business, he changed it to Superman.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

“The Lone Ranger” movie made a lot of money. People went to see it because it stars Johnny Depp. He wears lots of makeup and speaks in a weird accent. I don’t know what he does in the movie.

Johnny Depp plays Tonto, the Lone Ranger’s sidekick. What makes more sense than a guy named Lone Ranger needing a sidekick?

Back in “Pirates of the Caribbean,” Depp famously based his drunken pirate on Keith Richards. But in “The Lone Ranger,” he’s playing a mystical shaman who can talk to the spirit world, possibly with the help of peyote. So, also Keith Richards.

The Lone Ranger wears a mask only when he’s fighting bad guys, so when he goes off duty no one can tell who he is. Is it really that difficult? I’d just look for the guy riding a white horse with the totally sunburned face with a white half.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

On Friday Dwight Howard announced that he is leaving the Lakers to join the Houston Rockets. Or as Kobe Bryant put it, “Great. Now who am I NOT going to pass the ball to?”

This week at the White House, President Obama will present George Lucas with the National Medal of Arts. Joe Biden will present him with some fan mail for Yoda.

NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has been offered asylum in Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Bolivia. Or as Snowden put it, “Prison it is!”

There’s talk that a Broadway musical based on the life of rapper Tupac is in the works. So if you love Broadway musicals and gangster rap . . . well, you don’t exist.

Tuesday Jul 09 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

A new report from sociologists has discovered the number one cause of prison overcrowding — the NFL.

It’s now 32 NFL players that have been arrested since the Super Bowl. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, now when a team says they’ve hired a new defensive coordinator, they’re talking about a lawyer.

The latest NFL player to get arrested is New York Giants linebacker Dan Connor. He was arrested at the Philadelphia airport for carrying a switchblade. Experts say it’s the first time anyone in Philly has been able to stop a New York Giant in three years.

A lifelong Cleveland Browns fan, a man 55 years old, recently passed away and for his last request he wanted six Cleveland Browns as pallbearers so the Browns can let him down one last time. That’s what he said. The bad news? They fumbled the coffin five yards from the grave.


Pakistan now says Osama bin Laden was able to be avoided by wearing a cowboy hat. A Pakistani authority said, “I guess he just got lost in a sea of other Muslims wearing a cowboy hat.”

Mexico has replaced the U.S. as the world’s fattest nation. The U.S. is now number two. The Mexican government has done a lot of research. It turns out their people eat way too much Mexican food.

In Pittsburgh a man was arrested at a Taylor Swift concert for holding a sign that says “Taylor Swift is with Satan.” Swift got angry and said, “For the record, Satan and I broke up two months ago.” She wrote a song about it.

Hostess Twinkies are coming back. Hostess has announced that the new Twinkies will have a longer shelf life. The CEO said, “Let me put it this way. Our goal is for Twinkies to outlast people who eat Twinkies.”

Late Show with David Letterman

You can sure tell it’s summer. The temperature is warmer, days are longer, and George Clooney’s girlfriend is gone.

George Clooney and his girlfriend split up. We know how that works. The crown will be passed to the new girlfriend and she will reign for a year.

Clooney’s old girlfriend was granted asylum in Venezuela.

It turns out the Pakistan police pulled Osama bin Laden over for speeding. Pulled him over and wrote the guy a ticket. So listen. I don’t want to hear any more of this nonsense about Pakistan being lenient on Osama bin Laden, OK?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Kim Kardashian says her post-baby workout plan is coming along well. Kim’s already lost a bunch of weight with a simple technique. Everywhere she walks, she takes two dumbbells. Their names are Kourtney and Khloe.

Happy birthday to Courtney Love and John Tesh. Courtney Love and John Tesh are very different, of course. One’s a hot mess whose beauty shines through from underneath the hard drug use. And the other one’s Courtney Love.

Do you know who else has a birthday today? Donkey Kong. Playing Donkey Kong is harder than figuring what NBC is doing in late night.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that Mexico has passed the U.S. as the most obese country in the world. It doesn’t mean we got skinnier. It just means they’re fatter than us. But don’t worry — Twinkies are coming back next week, so we should be fine.

Political experts are saying Joe Biden needs to start doing more fundraising if he wants to run for president in 2016. A lot of people are saying they’d definitely donate to a Biden campaign. Most of them are Republicans, but still.

President Obama is getting a new limousine that will have advanced night-vision capabilities. The technology even has a cool name — it’s called headlights.

Barnes & Noble CEO William Lynch just announced that he is stepping down after three years. When asked if he’s looking for a new job, he was like, “Nah, just browsing.”

Wednesday Jul 10 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

According to a report from Pakistan, Osama bin Laden wore a big cowboy hat when he walked around his compound to shield him from being seen by U.S. drones. That’s a good strategy. The Lone Ranger wears a cowboy hat, and nobody has seen him anywhere.

The new Lone Ranger movie is not doing well. I understand he’s now asking for asylum in Venezuela.

According to Variety, “The Lone Ranger” could lose up to $157 million. You know how bad it’s doing? Now even the producer is wearing a mask.

According to a U.N. study, 70 percent of Mexicans are overweight or obese. You know how bad it is? Today the Border Patrol pulled over a van and it was packed with two illegals.


A video has surfaced of Justin Bieber urinating into a mop bucket. Critics are calling it the best thing Justin Bieber has ever released.

In a new interview, former President George W. Bush called the immigration system broken. And not just in this country. He said other countries also are filled with foreigners and we have to get them out.

Hostess is bringing back Twinkies next week. But employees are complaining about massive wage cuts. They’re mad. A spokesperson for the employees said, “We can’t tighten our belts. We eat Twinkies. It’s impossible.”

Late Show with David Letterman

The United States is no longer the fattest country in the world. Please help us, Paula Deen.

We’re no longer the fattest country in the world. That’s why they’re bringing back Twinkies.

The fattest people in the world now are Mexicans. And that’s, of course, because they’re all living here.

Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, “Is this about that speeding ticket?”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.

It’s July again, so the British better keep a close eye on Scotland.

A lot of celebrities live in the Bahamas. Sean Connery lived there after making “Thunderball.” And Johnny Depp moved after making the “Pirates of the Caribbean.” People are hoping again, only now it’s that Gwyneth Paltrow never makes a film there.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Michael B. Jordan is on the show tonight. The “B” does not stand for basketball.

This morning, Elisabeth Hasselbeck announced that she is leaving “The View.” She signed with the Houston Rockets.

One of the world’s leading scientists said he believes the human species was probably created when pigs mated with chimps. And that is how we got “Jersey Shore.”

So it turns out that men really ARE pigs. There is scientific evidence.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A store here in New York is selling popcorn that has been soaked in wine. Apparently, that’s also how they’re getting people to sit through “The Lone Ranger.”

It’s rumored that Ryan Seacrest is getting ready to host a new reality show on NBC called “Million Second Quiz.” Which sounds easy until you hear the question: “Name the last winner of ‘American Idol.’”

President Obama told a group of kids that broccoli is his favorite food. Then he said, “Is Michelle gone? Cool, it’s actually Skittles.”

Conservative rock star Ted Nugent says that he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Nugent said it’s always been his dream. Then Democrats said, “Ours too!”

Thursday Jul 11 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

America has lost the title of the fattest nation on earth. We are now only the second-fattest nation. We lost the title to Mexico. Isn’t that amazing? We are so fat and lazy now that we’re too fat and lazy to be number one at being fat and lazy.

According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it’s not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on FUTURE American citizens as well.

The U.S. birthrate is at an all-time low. The birthrate is now so low that “The Maury Povich Show” may have to cut back to just half an hour.

Now that marijuana is legal in the state of Colorado, in Denver they’re talking about taxing it up to 35 percent. Suddenly those drug cartels don’t seem so greedy anymore, do they?


President Obama’s approval rating is down to 44 percent. You can tell Obama’s getting desperate because today he gave a speech entitled “Hey, guys, the Twinkie is coming back next week.”

DC Comics has released a new comic in which Superman kills someone. At the end of the comic book he’s signed by the New England Patriots.

Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford signed a new contract paying him $76 million. They’re paying him $62 million just to live in Detroit.

A recent study says the state that drinks the most beer is North Dakota. In fact, one night North Dakota got so drunk, it woke up next to West Virginia.

Late Show with David Letterman

George Clooney broke up with his girlfriend. I didn’t see that coming.

George Clooney released a statement saying that yes, it’s true that they’re breaking up. George said he would like to spend more time with his next girlfriend.

This weekend the movie “Pacific Rim” opens. Ocean monsters come out of the sea so we must build huge robots and they battle to the death. I’m telling you, I haven’t seen anything like this since last Friday!

It’s the sea creatures versus the giant robots. It’s from the original play by Noel Coward.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s the first day of Elvis Fest in Las Vegas. Today thousands of Elvis impersonators gather to swap stories, swivel their hips, and wave their adult diapers.

Psychologists say the cult of Elvis has all the makings of a future religion. It’s possible in a few years there will be the Church of Elvis. At the end of the service, the congregation leader will say, “Elvis has left the building.” And everybody will stand up and say, “Thank you, thank you very much.”

Do you know that Elvis had 18 number one hits? They include “Jailhouse Rock”, “Love Me Tender,” and “Gangnam Style.” I read that on Wikipedia.

Recently Paul McCartney visited Graceland. He left a guitar pick on Elvis Presley’s headstone. He said it was so Elvis can play guitar in heaven. Don’t they have guitar picks in heaven? Or is there a bunch of angels with their harps saying, “Oh, man, I wish the guy from Wings would leave us a pick somewhere.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Residents of northeast Colorado, which is much more rural than the rest of the state, don’t think they’re properly represented so they want to break the state into two pieces. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana. Everyone gets all paranoid and tries to secede.

The idea is to divide Colorado into two states, and they want to call the new state North Colorado. If you’re going to go to the trouble of creating a new state, give it a cool name like Danger Zone, or Colorado 2: The Reckoning.

They have about as much chance of seceding from Colorado as Chucky has to secede from Cheese.

Paula Deen apparently is going to be in a comic book about female empowerment. I think the only thing she empowers women to do is kill their families with her recipes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that Americans are exercising more than ever but still not losing much weight. Not good — in fact, it’s all I could think about on my jog to Dunkin’ Donuts.

Yesterday Google went down for over an hour in four different states. Or as Bing and Yahoo put it, “Well NOW how are we supposed to look up stuff?”

Political experts say that Eliot Spitzer’s decision to return to politics could hurt Anthony Weiner’s chances of becoming mayor. Or as Spitzer put it, “See? I’m making things better already.”


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4 Responses to “Sunday Evening Funnies”

  1. 3

    john don

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