Sunday Funnies

Friday Jun 21 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

What a bad week for the stock market. Yesterday was so bad the numbers looked worse than a Paula Deen talk show on the BET network.

Stocks are dropping like a Super Bowl ring into Vladimir Putin’s pocket. That is how bad it was.

The Los Angeles City Council has voted to ban plastic bags. But, they’re going to keep the traditional brown bag. That way Dodgers fans will have something to put over their heads.

The Consumer Protection Agency has recalled 96,000 Jeep Liberty baby strollers because there is a problem with the tires blowing out. How fat are our kids getting when they’re blowing out tires on their baby strollers?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

“World War Z” is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall.

Brad Pitt plays a man fighting against a terrifying gang of mindless creatures that keep on coming day and night, no matter what. He trained for the role by having six children.

Last week I got freaked out by the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I even wrote an email to President Obama about it. Well, the email wasn’t actually to him. I’m just assuming he read it.

This “World War Z” movie has fast zombies. That’s not fair. It’s like if Dracula suddenly had a machine gun.

“World War Z” took a long time to film. It had to undergo a couple of rounds of “reshoots.” In the original version, instead of zombies, it was cats. But that was too scary for everybody.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It was just announced that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their daughter North West. Or as Southwest Airlines put it, “Please don’t have a second child.”

Congrats to the Miami Heat, who won their second straight NBA title last night. LeBron James was named MVP after scoring 37 points in Game 7. LeBron told his teammates he couldn’t have done it without them — which would be easier to believe if he hadn’t literally done it without them.

Mitt Romney’s former campaign manager has launched a super PAC to stop Hillary Clinton from becoming president. It makes sense because if there’s one thing Romney’s campaign manager is good at, it’s stopping someone from becoming president.

A company in Japan has a new watch with a built-in breathalyzer that can tell you if you’re drunk. It would probably work better if the watch didn’t always list the time as “5 o’clock somewhere.”

Monday Jun 24 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

NSA leaker Edward Snowden somehow managed to get out of the U.S. with all their information. Now where is he? He’s in Russia now, going to be in Ecuador or wherever. He remains at large. Now what are the odds out of 350 million Americans, the only one the government wasn’t watching was him?

The NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting with a BlackBerry, it’s spying on you.

In the middle of all these scandals, President Obama got some good news today. The IRS ruled that he can write off the first half of his second term as a total loss.

Scientists in Japan say that by the end of 2013 they’re going to be growing human organs in pigs and transplanting them into humans. How ironic is that? They’ll be able to give you a new heart grown in a pig to replace the old heart which got clogged up from too much pork.

Conan

This guy Edward Snowden — there’s a global hunt for this guy. They don’t know where he is. He might be in our audience right now.

No one knows exactly where NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is hiding at the moment. He released a statement that says, “No one will find me unless some big-mouth jerk starts blabbing.”

Hostess announced that Twinkies will be back on store shelves in July. They reassured fans that it will not only be the same recipe from last year, but it will also be the same Twinkies.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have named their newborn girl North West. The baby was named after the direction in which it will try to escape.

Late Show with David Letterman

We had a rough, horrible audience Friday night. Halfway through the show, they were seeking asylum in Ecuador.

This guy Edward Snowden went to Russia — that’s one of his stops — and now he’s apparently trying to get asylum in Ecuador. Ecuador is where everybody wants to go, right?

Kim Kardashian had a little baby girl, and Kanye West finally popped the question: “How do I of get out of this?”

Actually, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are going to get married. And I was looking at the guy and I thought, “Gee, I wonder if he’s ready for a 72-day commitment.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tonight on CBS is “Under the Dome,” from Stephen King. It is what networks call “an event series.” If it’s a hit, CBS will put domes in all their shows. It will be “Two and a Half Domes,” “Two Broke Domes,” “Let’s Make a Dome,” and “The Domey Awards,” hosted by Neil Patrick Dome.

The premise of “Under the Dome” is a town in Maine finds itself under a dome and no one knows why. People have criticized Stephen King because he uses the plot of “The Simpson’s Movie.” King says he’s never seen that movie. You don’t have time to watch movies when you’re churning out 50 best-sellers each month.

Tonight on “Under the Dome,” the dome slammed down and a cow gets cut in half. Witnesses described it as terrifying and delicious.

To me, this dome slamming down is an allegory for our dependence on social media and how it isolates us from each other. Actually, I made that up. It is about cows getting smooshed by a dome.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Paula Deen is having a difficult week. She was deposed as part of a discrimination lawsuit filed against her. The attorney for the other side asked if she’s ever used the N-word, and she said, yes, of course. If a lawyer asks you if you’ve ever used the N-word, the only thing you can say worse than “yes” is “yes, of course.”

On Friday the Food Network announced they would not renew Paula Deen’s contract, and today Smithfield, a company for whom she endorsed pork products, also severed ties with Deen. Even the other white meat is turning on her.

Pork severing ties with Paula Deen is like spinach cutting ties with Popeye.

Paula Deen was supposed to appear on the “Today” show but instead she posted three very awkward apology videos online. The first one was so awkward and so heavily edited, they pulled it down. I don’t mean to generalize, but as far as I can tell, all women named Paula are insane.

Tuesday Jun 25 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he’s sweating a lot more during his second term.

In an interview, Pat Buchanan predicted that the inflow of Hispanics from the immigration bill will break the U.S. into two countries with different cultures and different languages. Of course, as a resident of Los Angeles, I can’t imagine what that would be like.

Tourism officials in Paris have launched a campaign to make Paris friendlier to tourists. First step? Kick out the French.

Obesity has now been declared a disease. How hard is that for a doctor to diagnose?

Conan

Paula Deen got in trouble for racist comments. Now people are coming to her defense. Her son defending his mother saying, “She has a good heart.” He added, “Or she will if she ever stops eating her own food.”

The annual Paula Deen cruise — I didn’t even know there was such a thing — has not been canceled and they’ve even added another cruise ship. Each cruise ship can hold up to seven Paula Deen fans.

They have to space the seven Paula Deen fans out evenly, though. They can’t rush to one side of the boat.

Apple’s new operating system lets users give Siri a male-sounding voice. The sad part is that every time you ask him a question, he says, “Let me ask my wife” and then it’s right back to the female voice.

Late Show with David Letterman

New York City now offers free pedestrian maps. They are clear, helpful, and easy to read. Every map will even show you how to get to the Ecuadorian embassy.

I went up to one of those maps — this was really spooky — and it said “You are here.” And I said to myself, “How did it know?”

Americans, according to a new study, hate their jobs. They are unproductive and disengaged. I was hoping to have a joke on this topic but my writers are unproductive and disengaged.

You folks know anything about climate change? I used to know a little bit about it but I don’t care anymore. There’s nothing we can do about it. But on the bright side, I’ve got a closet full of short-sleeved shirts I don’t otherwise get to wear.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Kanye West said today that he considers himself an intellectual. I think he’s right. How can you not be when you spend all day surrounded by the Kardashians? Of course you’re going to look like an intellectual.

Edward Snowden is the guy who leaked information about our government’s spy program. Some say Snowden’s a hero. Some say he’s a traitor. People can’t seem to agree. The only thing we can all agree on is North West is a horrible name for a baby.

Here’s what we know about Snowden. Snowden revealed secrets and then flew to Hong Kong. Then he flew to Moscow. It’s not difficult getting a flight from Hong Kong to Moscow. Just go to Evil Villain Airways.

Wednesday Jun 26 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

According to the American Medical Association, obesity is now a disease. Have you looked around? Apparently it’s contagious.

Twinkies are going back on the shelf in July. Here’s some Twinkies trivia for you. Twinkies are the only food that have a longer shelf life than the life of the average shelf.

Taco Bell restaurants will soon start marketing its taco meat filling under the name “protein.” Instead of meat, they’re calling it protein. Hey, I’m amazed they can still call it Mexican food.

The Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act. How about that? we don’t need a Defense of Marriage Act. What we need in this country is a marriage cap. You’re allowed three, and after that, you’re done.

Conan

Paula Deen is still digging herself out of trouble. During an interview on the “Today” show she said she used the racist slur only once. The Food Network said that’s why they fired her only once.

In New York, the new front-runner in the New York City mayor’s race is Anthony Weiner. Some analysts say it’s due to name recognition. Actually, I think a few people recognize more than just his name.

The National Institutes of Health announced today that it plans to retire over 300 chimps from medical research. This is great news for anyone out there who’s in the market for a really mad chimp.

I wish they’d just let the chimps loose on Boca Raton.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Supreme Court has ruled the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Once someone explains this to me I’m sure I’ll be thrilled about it.

The next issue for the Supreme Court is defense of the Kardashian marriage.

Same-sex married couples are now entitled to the same benefits as other married couples. That’s great news for the Lone Ranger and Tonto.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tonight was the season premiere of “Big Brother” here at CBS. I didn’t see it. I haven’t seen it ever. I don’t watch that crap.

The term “Big Brother” is from George Orwell’s book “1984” — where everyone’s watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I’ve never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn’t that more like “Creepy Uncle”?

George Orwell predicted a lot of things that came true, like surveillance, endless wars, and the hypocrisy of the state. Then again, he also predicted Liberace would someday find the right girl.

Orwell was a fine writer and one of the funniest men in late-night television.

Thursday Jun 27 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Yesterday, the Supreme Court opened the door for same-sex marriage to resume in California. Apparently, the judges were really swayed by that Liberace movie.

Now that the Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act, this ruling means California gay guys can finally marry someone other than Liza Minnelli.

President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn’t worked here — so try it somewhere else.

The Girl Scouts announced that their pension plan has a $347 million deficit. The Girl Scouts are $347 million in debt so in addition to teaching girls about camping it also is preparing them for careers in government.

Conan

Paula Deen’s new cookbook is already on Amazon’s best-seller list. As a result, Rachael Ray declared that she’s not crazy about Mexicans.

Paula Deen’s book isn’t even out yet and it’s already number one on Amazon. And at the bottom of the sales page it says, “Customers who like this book may also like Alabama in the 1950s.”

“Sesame Street” has laid off 10 percent of its workers. The Count told everybody “You have 1, 2, 3 minutes to clean out your desk.”

Scientists have discovered that men are genetically programed to look at other women. So sorry, ladies, it’s science. I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s gay pride week here in New York City. Here’s how you can tell. The construction workers are hooting at EACH OTHER.

And then of course they have the big gay pride parade. I’m going as Cindi Lauper.

The gay pride parade starts on West 12th Street and ends in Sarah Jessica Parker’s walk-in shoe closet.

President Obama gave a big address about climate change. I’m doing my part. Night after night I come out here and barely expend any energy whatsoever.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is a great day, of course, for supporters of gay marriage. Congratulations to same-sex couples. You can now be as miserable as everybody else.

If you really don’t want gay people to get married, you shouldn’t ban gay marriage. You should ban gay divorce.

It’s been a bit of a week for the Supreme Court. Yesterday they ruled that it’s okay for gay people to get married. Today, they ruled it’s okay for straight people to rollerblade.

I loved the “Lethal Weapon” movies. Mel Gibson is an unbalanced hothead who could explode at any moment. I don’t recall what he played in the movie.

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