Sunday Funnies

Friday Apr 05 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

While at a fundraiser, President Obama called California’s attorney general, Kamala Harris, “the best-looking attorney general ever.” after the comment, the Secret Service added extra security to protect the president from first lady Michelle.

Today the president apologized for those remarks. And of course he had to apologize to Vice President Joe Biden because it’s Joe’s job to say stupid stuff that embarrasses the White House.

Good news: our buddy Wesley Snipes — remember he went to prison in 2010 for tax evasion — he got released earlier this week. The bad news: He’s only got 10 days to file his taxes.

Dunkin’ Donuts is testing a new food item. A glazed donut/egg sandwich. If it tests well, it’s gonna be used in prisons as a form of lethal injection.

Late Show with David Letterman

We have a guy here in New York City who wanted to be mayor so he’s trying to bribe his way on to the ballot, laying out big, big money. And the scandal involves three Republicans and two Democrats. Finally, some bipartisanship!

Something is always going on in New York City. For example, this week is the New York International Auto Show. Next week: the New York Car Alarm Show.

Everybody’s excited about college basketball’s tournament. You know who is a big fan of the Syracuse Orangemen? John Boehner.

Remember the movie “Jurassic Park” about the dinosaurs? It’s coming back in 3-D. But you know what? Honestly, if I want to watch dinosaurs run around, I’ll just go to a Yankees game.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Actually, this is a really big weekend. Saturday is the Final Four. Then Sunday you got Wrestle Mania. And Monday your girlfriend comes by to pick up her stuff.

During a fundraiser, President Obama raised some eyebrows when he called California’s Kamala Harris, quote, “the best-looking attorney general in the country.” Of course he said it was just a joke. Then Michelle was like, “Well, here’s another one: What’s black and white and sleeps on the couch?”

President Obama said that Kamala Harris is the best-looking attorney general while at a fundraiser. So hopefully, that fundraiser was to buy a really nice necklace for Michelle.

Delta announced that it is shrinking the size of its bathrooms to add four more seats on every plane. Cuz every time I’m in a plane’s bathroom, I always think: “Man, they could fit at LEAST three more people in here.”

Monday Apr 08 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Here’s something I didn’t know. When Vice President Biden and President Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden’s lunch always comes with a toy.

Little is known about North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un other than the fact that he is ruthless, he supports torture, and he is a huge basketball fan. I’m sorry, that’s not Kim Jong Un. That’s Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice. I had them confused.

Stockton, Calif., has become the most populous city in the nation to go to bankruptcy. Stockton is so broke, the 99 Cent Store has been accused of price gouging.

You know what they call “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” in Stockton? “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.”

Conan

The company that owns Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has been approved to buy Hostess Twinkies. A company spokesman said we want to branch out from people who don’t care what they drink to people who don’t care what they eat.

In New York, a man dressed as the Cookie Monster was arrested for pushing a 2-year-old. The man was immediately hired to be the new basketball coach at Rutgers.

Top fashion designer Michael Kors has launched a new campaign to stop world hunger. His first step: Stop hiring supermodels.

Kim Kardashian, who is five months pregnant, reportedly wants to give birth by C-section. In other words, even in childbirth, Kim is determined to avoid any kind of labor.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher passed away. It is all over social media. But the Twitter hashtag confused some people into thinking that Cher died. There was panic in the gay community. Don’t worry. Cher did not die.

An update on Justin Bieber’s monkey. When Bieber got to Munich he didn’t have the proper paperwork so it was quarantined in an animal shelter. The director of the shelter said a monkey is not suitable to be on a world tour. He should be out in the wild so he doesn’t have serious psychological problems later in life.

It is kind of hard to tell if the director was talking about the monkey or Justin Bieber.

To make sure the monkey gets released, I issued an ultimatum. If they do not return the monkey to Justin Bieber by Thursday at midnight, we are going to kill David Hasselhoff. Germany takes something we love. We take something they love. It is as simple as that.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There’s this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts — except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won’t do it. Though in fairness, it’ll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is.

Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight, fresh off his trip to North Korea and his appearance on “Celebrity Apprentice.” I’m gonna ask him what it was like to spend time with a crazy power-hungry madman — and then we’ll talk about Kim Jong Un.

This is scary. Scientists have discovered a new type of tarantula that is eight inches wide. Even environmentalists were like, “You killed that thing, right?”

Over the weekend, a rare baseball card was sold at an auction for $2 million. It turns out that it’s an A-Rod card that actually shows him playing.

Tuesday Apr 09 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

We had unusually high winds last night. I looked out my window to see that the wind had blown down a huge palm tree. Then I turned on my TV and saw Michigan had blown a huge lead. Congratulations, Louisville Cardinals. NCAA champions. Beat Michigan, 82-76.

Here’s an amazing stat. the Lakers’ Dwight Howard has missed more free throws this year than Steve Nash has missed in his entire 17-year career. Even more amazing, Kobe Bryant has now taken more shots than Lance Armstrong.

The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don’t vote for him in next week’s election. Today Mitt Romney said, “You can do that?”

That shows you the difference between our two countries. See, over here in America we’re cursed no matter who we vote for.

Conan

Wasn’t that NCAA championship game exciting? Last night the Louisville Cardinals defeated the Michigan Wolverines to win the national championship. People in Michigan were angry and depressed. Then they heard about the game.

North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to “Gangnam Style.”

In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical “Grease.” That’s also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong.

Tom Cruise made his first public comments about his divorce from Katie Holmes. He said, “I didn’t see it coming.” Apparently Katie kept her divorce papers on top of the refrigerator.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s a beautiful day in New York City — 79 and sunny, like Kelly Ripa.

The Louisville Cardinals are your NCAA national champions. This is the second time in a month that a bunch of cardinals got together and took care of business.

Lindsay Lohan is on the show tonight. I believe it’s part of her community service.

All day long people have been coming up to me and saying, “Dave, why is Lindsay Lohan on the show tonight?” And I said, “I think she believes I’m Dr. Phil.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it’s like Mel Gibson saying, “Whoa, easy on the tequila.”

Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They’re adorable little missiles with “Hello Kitty” on them.

This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven’t seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since “Gangnam Style.”

Dealing with the North Koreans is very difficult. They have a history of making irrational decisions to divert the world’s attention from the fact their system has totally collapsed. No wait, sorry. I was thinking of NBC.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I want you all to know that if the North Koreans launch a nuclear missile tomorrow, I’m really glad we had this time together.

Happy birthday to Hugh Hefner, who turned 87 years old today. He has a wife named Crystal who’s 26 years old. She was born in 1986. He was born in 1926. What do they even talk about? He served in World War II. She wasn’t even alive when “Ghostbusters” came out.

Justin Bieber has a new haircut. How is it possible that Justin Bieber is getting a new hairdo when his monkey is trapped in a German prison?

Justin Bieber tried to bring his pet monkey on tour with him to Germany two weeks ago but he didn’t have the proper paperwork. So the Germans took the monkey. I’m very worried about the monkey. If it stays in Germany, it could develop a taste for techno dance music.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This week on the “Today” show, Chelsea Clinton said she’s open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, “Cool. How does secretary of state sound?”

A prop phaser gun from the “Star Trek” TV show recently sold for $231,000 at an auction — making it the most expensive thing you can point at someone right before they beat the crap out of you.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said that he’s challenging himself to meet a new person every day. If only there were a website that could make that easy.

Last week people broke into the home of Miami Heat star Chris Bosh and stole $479,000 worth of jewelry while he was at his birthday party. Though on the plus side, now his friends know what to get him next year.

Wednesday Apr 10 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

It’s starting to get serious — China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, “Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.”

Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate.

According to The Wall Street Journal’s website, Anthony Weiner may run for mayor of New York City. Their website said that Mr. Weiner didn’t respond to an email seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn’t email or text you back? Consider yourself lucky!

Charlie Sheen is on the show tonight to talk about his hit TV show “Anger Management.” In fact, they’re adding a new character this year — Rutgers coach Mike Rice.

Conan

A new report claims that almost half of Justin Bieber’s 37 million Twitter followers are fake. Even more disturbing: The other half is real.

Japanese engineers have created what they call a “Girlfriend Jacket” that replicates the sensation of being hugged by a woman from behind. Once again, Japanese engineers remain on the cutting edge of creepy loneliness.

Quentin Tarantino has had to alter “Django Unchained” so it can be shown in China. It will be “Django Escapes the iPad Factory.”

Rihanna broke up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress. Rihanna said she knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s 66 degrees outside, and not too bright — just like me.

To go to a game at Yankee Stadium now costs $365 for a family of four. It’s getting so that an American family of four no longer can afford to scream obscenities at the Red Sox.

Insiders say North Korea’s Kim Jong Un had plastic surgery to look more like his father Kim Jong Il. I found out today my son is doing just the opposite.

There’s some good news for North Korea and Kim Jong Un. Today NBC announced they are bringing “The Tonight Show” back to Pyongyang.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

South Korean officials today say they’re highly confident that North Korea will launch a media-range missile any time now. Which I guess means Dennis Rodman failed.

Why do I feel like this whole thing could be solved by sending Kim Jong Un a Disneyland pass?

Today is day 14 of the Justin Bieber monkey crisis. He brought a monkey into Germany. But the monkey was confiscated and quarantined because Justin didn’t have the proper paperwork. I have given Germany an ultimatum. If they do not release the monkey by Thursday at midnight, we are going to kill David Hasselhoff. So there you go, Germans. Set that monkey free or we off the Hoff.

The Cookie Monster was arrested last weekend. Not the real Cookie Monster — the one that dresses up like him in Times Square. A woman claimed he shoved her 2-year-old and cursed her out because she didn’t give him a tip. There’s a reason he’s called the Cookie Monster and not the Cookie Gentleman.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Finally, after months of wrangling, President Obama has unveiled his highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, “Yeah, that’s how you know it’s good.”

Just a week after naming the color of a plus-sized dress “Manatee Grey,” now Target is having to rename a pair of sandals called “Orina” because “orina” means “urine” in Spanish — while the name “Target” is just Spanish for “Fancy Wal-Mart.”

Dick Cheney told House Republicans that the U.S. is in “deep doo doo” with North Korea. Incidentally, “deep doo do” is the color of the suit I just got at Target.

A new study found evidence that humans may have a so-called “lazy” gene. Scientists would know more, but why bother?

Thursday Apr 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Last night President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter — because as you know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything.

North Korean officials reportedly are planning a cyber attack on the U.S. in an effort to bring our economy to a halt. Nice try guys. You’re five years too late.

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans would vote for Ronald Reagan for president right now over Barack Obama. In fact, in the last election 58 percent of the people in Florida DID vote for Ronald Reagan.

A long list of celebrities and musicians have signed a letter to President Obama asking him to ease the nation’s drug enforcement policy. Hollywood celebrities and musicians want the president to ease our drug laws — it’s always the people you least expect.

Conan

On Tuesday at the White House, President Obama sang with Justin Timberlake. It’s being called the blackest thing President Obama has ever done.

A 14-year-old boy from China is the youngest golfer to ever compete in The Masters. During his round of golf today, the Chinese boy made two birdies, an eagle, and an iPad.

NASA announced a plan to lasso an asteroid and bring it closer to earth. This is according to the head of NASA — a 6-year-old boy.

DC Comics introduced its first-ever transgender character. The character is called “Wonder If It’s a Woman.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump is going to be a grandfather. It’s true. That thing on his head is pregnant.

Trump’s daughter is pregnant. The thing on his head just lays eggs.

There are rumors that Fox may cancel “Glee” even though it still consistently does well in its time slot. This can mean only one thing: Fox is now run by NBC.

Nostalgia is big business. There’s a lot of money to be made in crap that people used to care about. That’s what makes me believe there is still hope for late-night television.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The Iranian government is claiming their scientists have developed a time machine. Maybe they’re saying they figured out how to make a clock.

Teachers at nine universities are using a new technology that can tell if students are actually reading their textbooks. Let me save you some time. They’re not.

The digital books create something called an engagement index that shows how often they open their book, which pages they read, and whether or not they skipped pages. That’s a great way to get kids to like books. Program the books to tattle on them.

We had a pretty effective way of getting kids to read books when I was a kid. It’s called a quiz.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The South Korean pop star Psy of “Gangnam Style” fame just announced that he’ll release a new song tomorrow. As soon as they heard, North Korea said, “Now they’re really asking for it.”

The MTV Movie Awards are this Sunday, and Brad Pitt will be there to present the award for movie of the year. Brad says he can’t wait to look into a sea of young people and ask them to wish daddy good luck at the show.

I just saw that the Playboy Bunny house, which is across the street from Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion, is on the market for $11 million. You can tell it’s the Playboy Bunny house because it looks nice but there’s nothing going on upstairs.

New York City is considering a law to ban people from wearing costumes in Times Square after a man dressed as the Cookie Monster shoved a little boy. In his defense, Cookie Monster said, “Boy not give up cookie.”

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