Sunday Funnies

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Friday Mar 08 2013

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There is a big movie out today: “Oz the Great and Powerful.” It’s a prequel to “The Wizard of Oz.” I’m thinking this is a little risky making a prequel to that movie. It is an American icon. That’s like the French making a prequel to the Statue of Liberty.

I hope this movie isn’t some hipster version of “The Wizard of Oz” where the Tin Man gets taken to the recycling center and the Scarecrow is exchanged for a sparkly vampire.

James Franco plays the man who eventually becomes “Oz.” He’s a conman who tries to trick gullible people into thinking he has special talents. I don’t know what he does in the movie.

Franco’s performance is already generating Oscar talk. As in people saying, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who ruined the Oscars a couple of years ago?”

I feel bad for James Franco, being remembered as the guy who ruined the Oscars. Halfway through he realized that the audience hated him, and then he just gave up.

Monday Mar 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman.

Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball dictator void will be filled by North Korea’s Kim Jong Un. It’s nice of him to step in and fill that.

A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead.

In England, gas is $10 a gallon. In fact, gas is so high in England that people have stopped eating horses and started riding them again.

Conan

The Obamas’ dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing this, Vice President Joe Biden said “Wait, why am I still taking the train?”

After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he’s asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino.

Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida.

The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit.

Late Show with David Letterman

Today the groggiest day of the year because of monkeying with our clocks. But the biggest waste of time about resetting your clocks is trying to line up that little hole in the clock with the nail in your wall.

You now can take pocket knives on commercial airlines. And you can also take pool cues on commercial flights. This is great news if you’re a knife-wielding pool hustler.

North Korea may attack South Korea. Thanks a lot, Rodman!

When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Thanks to daylight saving time, we lost an hour this weekend. If you’re watching this show, you’re about to lose another hour.

Everyone is talking about is these Google glasses. When I say everybody, I mean me.

Google glasses are the next stage in the evolution of eyewear. Wear these and record everything you see. It’s like you have a memory!

People are already worried about radiation from cellphones. So why not make a device that you can put next to your eyes all day?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow the College of Cardinals will gather at the Vatican, where they will vote four times a day until they select a new Pope. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll move onto the tiebreaker: “Rock, Bible, Scissors.”

“Oz the Great and Powerful” made $80 million at the box office in its opening weekend. It tells the story of a con artist dealing with a bunch of witches. Or as he’s called these days, “The Bachelor.”

It was announced that China is opening its own Disneyland, which Disney says will be both “authentically Disney and distinctly Chinese.” Which explains why the parents of Huey, Duey, and Louie had to pick just one.

Tuesday Mar 12 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The latest rumor, according to the Italian press, is that Pope Benedict did not retire. They say he was forced out by NBC.

A judge overturned Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on large sugary drinks. The judge made his decision after testimony from a prominent physician. I believe it was a Dr. Pepper, if I’m not mistaken.

McDonald’s announced they are dropping its fruit and walnut salad from the menu. The two people who go to McDonald’s for fruit and walnuts are really upset about this.

According to reports, Saudi Arabia is considering dropping public beheadings because of a shortage of government swordsmen. You don’t want amateurs to cut people’s heads off because that could be barbaric.

Conan

Everyone’s waiting to find out who the new Pope will be. Did you know the Pope gets to choose his own name? Experts say the number one choice for the new Pope’s name is John and the number two choice is Leo. A distant third: Jayden.

The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don’t reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they’re working on the Vatican Oldsmobile.

The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don’t have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any “Walking Dead” spoilers.

A company is developing drones that can be used to pick up and develop items for customers. So if you see a drone, someone in the neighborhood either joined al-Qaida or Netflix.

Late Show with David Letterman

With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there’s a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio?

The cardinals each write down their choice on a small slip of paper and put in a silver chalice and then they mix all the names up and they’re drawn out. It’s the same thing they do for the Vatican’s Secret Santa.

The Pope has more than one designation. He’s also the bishop of Rome. He’s also known as the pontiff. And here’s what I didn’t know. He’s also known as Diddy.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie “Argo.” They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie “Shrek.”

As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote.

A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn’t figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.

How would the government try to enforce something like that? It’s not like Obama’s got a secret fleet of robotic aircraft circling over, watching everything people do with little cameras.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who’s still trying to figure out how the ballots work.

In accordance with Vatican tradition, the cardinals in the papal conclave will release white smoke when a Pope is chosen. The practice was started by those two ancient leaders, Cardinal Cheech and Cardinal Chong.

There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama’s second term. Though you know it’s bad when world leaders are like, “Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?”

A 106-year-old woman in Ohio just received her high school diploma after 88 years. She may even go to college, but only if she gets that volleyball scholarship.

Wednesday Mar 13 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A.

People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews.

But their job is not done yet. The 115 cardinals are going to stay in Rome a few extra days and try to find a replacement for Joy Behar on “The View.”

We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth.

Conan

We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn’t want to do.

The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don’t go with a girl’s name.

In Moscow, ’90s action star Steven Seagal hung out with Russian President Vladimir Putin. The meeting lasted two hours and then went straight to DVD.

McDonald’s has introduced a yoke-free Egg McMuffin has only 260 calories. After hearing this, every McDonald’s customer said, “Sweet, I’ll have six of them.”

Late Show with David Letterman

The big news is the new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. If you’re saying to yourself, “Boy, that name sounds familiar,” you’re right. For seven years he was the ace reliever for the Yankees.

He will be Pope Francis. Historically, the last Pope Francis was Frank Sinatra. Am I right about that?

Thousands and thousands of people at Vatican Square were looking at the chimney. And the white smoke means we have a white Pope.

Mayor Bloomberg tried to ban giant 16-ounce sugary sodas and a judge overturned the ruling. And I said, “Thank God I don’t have to drive to Canada to get my Mountain Dew anymore.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Pope pickin’ is over. Over 100,000 people were packed into St. Peter’s Square, waiting for news of the Pope. It was really awe-inspiring. Between that and Monday night’s “Bachelor” finale, my eyes haven’t been dry all week.

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. “Francis” was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of “Pope Boo Boo.”

What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he’s 76 years old. He’s a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay.

The last Pope, Pope Benedict, will now be known as Pope Classic.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina has been named the new Pope. After the new Pope was chosen, he was brought to a place in the Vatican called “The Room of Tears.” Or as I call that, “the gym.”

Yesterday, a truck in North Carolina overturned and spilled frozen pizzas all over the highway. First responders said, “It’s not a disaster — it’s DiGiorno.”

A new survey found that Newark Airport is one of the best airports in the country to find love. Unless you love your luggage.

Thursday Mar 14 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

As you know, we have a new Pope. He is Pope Francis of Argentina. He is a 76-year-old man with only one lung. This could be just the burst of youth and vitality the Catholic Church needs.

The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I knew those Catholic school nuns were really mean, but I had no idea.

Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election. And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There’s still hope for Mitt Romney.

Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, “I could have been Pope.”

Conan

It’s been announced that Twinkies will be back on the shelves sometime this summer. Isn’t that great? This new Pope is already getting things done.

Taco Bell sold over a million Doritos Locos Tacos a day. Other companies now have taken notice. The new Blackberry is coming out in a tasty Doritos shell.

Spring is almost here, which meanings two things, the rebirth of nature and the crazed expressions of Gary Busey on “Celebrity Apprentice.”

A Washington state mother is accused of letting her 22-month-old toddler smoke marijuana. When reached for comment the toddler said, “Hey, man, everybody chill out!”

Late Show with David Letterman

The new Pope is a man of the people. Immediately after they elected him, he went back to the hotel by himself, brought his luggage downstairs, and checked himself out of the hotel. There was the fight about the mini bar charge but other than that, he was humble.

The new Pope gave his first speech in Latin. Everybody’s after the Latin vote.

It took the cardinals less than 24 hours to elect a new Pope. It took a year to replace Regis.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Lamar Odom bought his wife Khloe Kardashian a new puppy. He said, “Have fun with this creature, even though it won’t do anything but lay around house all day.” And the puppy said, “Thanks.”

Steven Seagal is in Russia meeting with President Vladimir Putin. Nowadays, Seagal looks like a giant, overweight Dracula.

Seagal would say, “I want to drink your blood. Actually not so much the blood. Do you have anything to eat?”

Vladimir Putin invited Seagal as part of Russia’s new health initiative. Putin’s reviving a fitness program that was started by Stalin. Is that a good idea?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Everyone is still talking about the new Pope. It turns out that he used to be a high school chemistry teacher. Or as most people put it: “Breaking Bad” spoiler alert!

Pope Francis actually put himself through school by working as a bouncer at a nightclub. Which will come in handy now that he’s kind of the bouncer for Heaven.

A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies.

With Washington in the middle of a budget crisis, the White House is facing criticism for spending $250,000 a year on calligraphy. You can tell you’re spending way too much money on calligraphy when you spend ANY money on calligraphy.

Source

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