Sunday Funnies

Thursday Feb 28 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There’s a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite: “Yes, We Vati-can.”

We are now in the middle of Lent. The most common thing people are giving up for Lent this year? Watching NBC.

For the first time in history, NBC is fifth in the ratings. We are now behind the Spanish language channel Univision. As we call that here in Los Angeles, “Cinco de Ratings.”

The ratings are so bad that today NBC called Manti Te’o to bring in some imaginary viewers.

Conan

Today was Pope Benedict’s last day at work. Don’t be sad. All the other cardinals are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee’s.

The Pope spoke to 100 cardinals and said, “Among you is the future Pope.” And then he said, “Now enter The Octagon.” They’re going to fight it out with holy relics.

We are 24 hours away from massive across-the-board budget cuts. If the cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays up to 90 minutes — or as JetBlue calls it, an on-time departure.

These budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn’t give the Pope his security deposit back.

He left glue on the walls from his Def Leppard posters.

In the next few weeks, a group will assemble in the Vatican. Their job is to select a new Pope. The group will consist of 120 top cardinals and Simon Cowell. He’ll say, “Your Pope-ing is rubbish. You’re not going to the Vatican.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k).

My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he left in a helicopter — just like “The Bachelor.”

Did you know the Pope is a helicopter pilot? He has a helicopter pilot’s license, but never got a driver’s license. He can fly a helicopter, but he can’t drive a car — just like Jesus before him.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Pope Benedict officially retired today. People are actually placing bets on who the next Pope will be. At least that’s what I heard during my fantasy Pope draft.

Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be President Obama’s new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the sequester happens he’ll have to be let go due to budget cuts.

Actually, with automatic spending cuts scheduled for tomorrow, 300 illegal immigrants have been released from jail in Arizona. Or as officials put it, “Catch ya later.”

The NFL is investigating reports that several teams have asked players about their sexual orientation before drafting them. They’ve been asking questions like, “Do you have a girlfriend?” and “Is she real?”

Friday Mar 01 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Welcome sequestration survivors. Congress did not reach an agreement and Congresswoman Maxine Waters said 170 million jobs could be lost. There are only 155 million workers in America. Are you beginning to understand why we’re in this situation in the first place?

The cuts have already begun. Just yesterday, the Pope got laid off.

At this point, we have no idea who the next Pope will be. How about Mitt Romney? He’s not doing anything.

Gas is so expensive, today I saw Bill O’Reilly carpooling with Bill Maher.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There’s a big movie out today. It’s called “The Last Exorcism Part 2.” How can it be called “The Last Exorcism Part 2”? By definition, a movie called “last anything” can’t have a sequel. It’s not possible. Unless — unless Hollywood is run by profit-hungry liars.

In the first “Last Exorcist,” a young girl gets possessed by Satan. The priest performs an exorcism to try and cast him out. I guess in part two, the devil returns because he forgot his wallet or something.

Some people think I got this show because I made a deal with the devil. It’s true, actually. Nine years ago, the devil promised me great fame and untold wealth in exchange for my soul. But I broke the deal. Now I’m condemned to this place for all eternity.

If you’re scheduling an exorcism, you need to make sure someone’s actually possessed. If a young woman looks sickly and pale and vomits all the time, she may just be an actress.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Groupon fired the founder and CEO of the company. Yeah, he could tell something was up because today’s deal was his parking space.

A new study found that at least 50 percent of all pets in the United States are overweight. Veterinarians plan to treat this as a serious problem, or as fat pets put it, “Did you say treat?”

Kim Kardashian said that couples should be together for at least six months before they decide to get married. And they should stay married for at least six days before they decide to get divorced.

A new study found that pessimistic people actually live longer than optimists, which would be great news for pessimists if they believed in great news.

Monday Mar 04 2013

Conan

The search for a Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It’s like a “Star Trek” convention but less celibate.

Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran’s nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen.

Today Kenya is holding elections for the first time since 2007. It’s getting nasty. Each presidential candidate is accusing the others of being born in Kenya.

Horse meat was found in some products at Taco Bell. Which explains Taco Bell’s new slogan, “You can lead a horse to Taco Bell. We will take it from there.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

President Obama’s half-brother is running for office in Kenya. He’s a political novice who was born and raised in Africa. I don’t know much about the half-brother.

Many people don’t realize Chicago is the home of two major cookie companies — Keebler and Nabisco. They are intense rivals. No one will forget the Great Keebler Elf Massacre of 1934.

The massacre was horrible. Hats and pointy shoes everywhere. Three elves were found face-down in a pool of their own fudge.

Police described the scene as delicious.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A new season of Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice” started last night. It includes Steven Baldwin and others who are celebrities — in the way that “I Can’t Believe It’s not Butter” is butter.

The show has Dennis Rodman, our new ambassador to North Korea. Dennis is back home safely after visiting the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. And apparently they hit it off. Rodman called him a friend for life. But he said the same thing when he married Carmen Electra.

Monday Mar 04 2013

Conan

The search for a Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It’s like a “Star Trek” convention but less celibate.

Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran’s nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen.

Today Kenya is holding elections for the first time since 2007. It’s getting nasty. Each presidential candidate is accusing the others of being born in Kenya.

Horse meat was found in some products at Taco Bell. Which explains Taco Bell’s new slogan, “You can lead a horse to Taco Bell. We will take it from there.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

President Obama’s half-brother is running for office in Kenya. He’s a political novice who was born and raised in Africa. I don’t know much about the half-brother.

Many people don’t realize Chicago is the home of two major cookie companies — Keebler and Nabisco. They are intense rivals. No one will forget the Great Keebler Elf Massacre of 1934.

The massacre was horrible. Hats and pointy shoes everywhere. Three elves were found face-down in a pool of their own fudge.

Police described the scene as delicious.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A new season of Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice” started last night. It includes Steven Baldwin and others who are celebrities — in the way that “I Can’t Believe It’s not Butter” is butter.

The show has Dennis Rodman, our new ambassador to North Korea. Dennis is back home safely after visiting the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. And apparently they hit it off. Rodman called him a friend for life. But he said the same thing when he married Carmen Electra.

Tuesday Mar 05 2013

Conan

Cardinals from all over the world are gathering in Rome to select the next Pope. You can watch the whole process on “Vatican’s Got Talent.”

The top choice to be the new Pope could be a Canadian. If elected Pope, his first act is to grant sainthood to Wayne Gretzky.

Researchers say they have figured out exactly what caused the crash of the Hindenburg. The culprit: a time-traveling Lindsay Lohan.

Last night Justin Bieber outraged fans by showing up two hours late for his concert. In fact, I’ve got to tell you, I almost left.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is Election Day. We’re going for a new mayor. At one point, our mayor was hanging around with Charlie Sheen. Everyone was wondering: Why would the most powerful guy in the city, a role model, and pillar of our community, want to hang around with the mayor?

It’s been almost a decade since we’ve had a new mayor. It’s starting to seem like the mayor of Los Angeles was one of those jobs for life. Like Supreme Court judge, or host of “The Tonight Show.”

One candidate is named Kevin James. Not the actor. This Kevin James is a former lawyer. And a gay Republican. Kevin James the actor and Kevin James the politician are very different, of course. One is the king of queens. And the other . . . well.

L.A. has never had a female mayor, a Jewish mayor, or gay mayor. I’d be really impressed if a candidate was all three. This is who I want.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Justin Bieber made a lot of fans angry in London last night. He had a concert that was supposed to start at 8:30 but Justin didn’t get out there until 10:30. Half the audience was kids on a school night, which means they were late getting home and had to go straight to bed without brushing their teeth, and the British really can’t afford to miss a night of teeth brushing.

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.

We have a lot of fat dogs in this country, which makes sense. We give them treats if they sit and stay; it’s the worst thing you can do. We’re enablers.

Wednesday Mar 06 2013

Conan

A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt — and then the snowstorm hit.

Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, “Now I’ll never see it.”

Lawmakers in Hawaii passed a new law called the Steven Tyler Act. Basically the law gives men the right to gradually morph into old women.

Wrangler is coming out with a pair of jeans that claims to fight cellulite as you wear them. Finally a pair of jeans your boyfriend can say you look fat in, but not for long.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. Sean Penn actually went down to Venezuela and met Chavez a few times. He’s a polarizing figure that a lot of Americans really don’t like. Chavez was, too.

Today Chavez is being mourned all over South America. If he were here today, I’m sure he’d say, “Don’t cry for me, Argentina.”

The people of Venezuela aren’t sure who’ll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher.

South America was the birthplace of the Incan civilization. The Incans were sort of like the Mayans, except they didn’t go around falsely predicting the end of the world.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

They just passed something in Hawaii called the Steven Tyler Act. It’s a sweeping piece of legislation that says you must wear a scarf at all times.

Actually it’s designed to protect celebrities from paparazzi by making it illegal to take unwanted pictures or video of them in private to sell for profit. No offense, but isn’t every photo of Steven Tyler an unwanted photo?

Doesn’t the Steven Tyler Act sound like something we would create to protect ourselves from Steven Tyler?

The world’s cardinals are meeting to prepare for the conclave that will choose the new Pope. The rumor is they already have a candidate selected and they’re just waiting on the results of the urine test to come back.

Thursday Mar 07 2013

Conan

President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said “Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend.” [This is a stupid joke, baseld on flawed analogy– ws]

North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States. Which begs the question, what the hell did Dennis Rodman say over there?

Last week horse meat was covered in IKEA’s meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA’s hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store.

Scientists have recently created a robot that can bake cookies. And by scientists I mean two stoned kids who work at RadioShack.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns. Don’t worry, there’s another way get into the White House if you don’t belong. Fake your birth certificate.

Tonight there’s a comet. A comet making the closest approach ever to earth. Now is it really a comet? Or is it one of President Obama’s drones?

They say the comet is visible to the naked eye. The naked eye? My eyes are always naked. Do people wear eye clothes now?

There are a lot of people watching the comet tonight. I’m surprised that advertisers aren’t sponsoring it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends’ feet on vacation.

Zuckerberg said that with this improved news feed Facebook hopes to give the world “the best personalized newspaper that we can.” He’s playing it a little bit loose with the word “newspaper.” A newspaper tells us that North Korea is threatening to attack us, not that your friend went to Panera Bread this afternoon.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn’t that the plot of “Footloose”?

Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people’s hands?

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