Sunday Funnies

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Friday Feb 22 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Al-Qaida has issued a list of 22 ways that al-Qaida members can avoid being killed by U.S. drones. Here’s a good one: Don’t join al-Qaida.

A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own pockets.

The price of gas is so high, Lindsay Lohan is now forced to choose between drinking or driving. She can’t afford both.

The very first Woolworth’s five-and-dime opened on this day in 1879. They went out of business in 1997. You know why? They were nickel and dimed to death.

Late Show with David Letterman

Excited about the Academy Awards? It will be a lot of people you’ve never met thanking people you’ve never heard of.

The Academy Awards is television’s answer to JetBlue. You sit there for four hours waiting for it to take off.

The Academy Awards show is four hours long, and they give out awards for editing. That takes a lot of nerve.

Pope Benedict was nominated for an Academy Award. He’s going up against “Lincoln” for best big hat.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Oscars are on Sunday. So is the Daytona 500. It will be a great day for gay NASCAR fans.

The Oscars are a perfect representation of Hollywood Because Hollywood releases hundreds of movies a year, and three are good. The Oscars is 800 minutes long, and three are entertaining.

If you haven’t seen “Life of Pi,” you really must. And then tell me what it’s about.

This is my theory about the Oscar. If you’re in an action movie or comedy, you’re not worthy. But if you put on Elizabethan trousers and act serious, that’s it. You’re a great actor.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight! I plan to ask her some serious questions, like, “Do you think that I could pull off bangs?”

That’s right, Michelle Obama is here! Everyone at the White House is excited. In fact, I heard they’re even letting Biden stay up to watch.

Michelle Obama is actually here tonight to talk about her fitness initiative “Let’s Move.” Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be on next week to talk about his initiative “Let’s Sit.”

A 104-year-old woman is complaining that she can’t put her real age on Facebook because the birthdates only go back as far as 1910. Facebook said it will solve the problem by either adding the dates or just waiting it out.

Monday Feb 25 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

“Life of Pi” took home four Oscars. It’s about a young boy trapped at sea on a small boat with a man-eating tiger. Yet with all that, it’s still a better way to travel than a Carnival cruise.

Jennifer Lawrence won for best actress and worst stuntwoman.

There was one glaring omission in the “In memoriam” reel: Lindsay Lohan’s career. Didn’t that die last year?

Pizzas in Denmark have been discovered with horse meat. Pizzas with horse meat. How fast does THAT get delivered to your house?


Welcome to the show. I’m Conan O’Brien — or perhaps I’m Daniel Day-Lewis in his greatest role yet.

Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise.

Big winner last night was “Life of Pi,” a story of a young man who wakes up in a lifeboat with a hyena, zebra, orangutan, and tiger, which oddly enough, is also the plot of “The Hangover 3.”

South Korea’s first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, “We’re just going to stick with men named Kim.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? The show last night was so long that by the middle of the show the audience was begging Daniel Day-Lewis to free them.

I think one of the reasons that “Lincoln” did not win as best picture is that it’s full of inaccuracies. For example, Abraham Lincoln was never married to Mary Tyler Lincoln.

The best picture was called “Argo.” It was about a heroic Hollywood producer. Wow, how did something like that ever win?

First lady Michelle Obama won an Academy Award for best bangs.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Last night the biggest stars in the world squeezed into the theater across the street. But it’s nice to see our neighborhood getting back to abnormal.

I don’t know why the Oscars needs a best actor and actress category. You don’t separate best director and best directress.

Daniel Day-Lewis now has one Oscar for each of his names.

Monday night I usually update you on the number of times “amazing” is said on “The Bachelor.” Tonight was 22. We also collected every “amazing” that was uttered on or near the Oscars’ red carpet. That’s 101. There were as many “amazings” as there were Dalmatians. Can someone in the world please send us more adjectives. We need them.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night’s Academy Awards lasted about three hours and 40 minutes. Even Jennifer Lawrence’s dress was like, “That’s way too long.”

The entire cast of “Les Miserables” performed a song from the movie, featuring Russell Crowe. Or as the cast of “Zero Dark Thirty” put it, “Now this is torture.”

The company that owns Olive Garden announced that its revenue has dropped 5 percent in the last quarter. Which explains their new promotion: limited bread sticks.

Tuesday Feb 26 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Researchers in Germany now say that human longevity has improved so rapidly over the past century that 72 is the new 30. That is bad news for parents. You’ll never get the kids out of the house now. “Dad, I’m only 50. That’s, like, 17.”

A storm dumped 17 inches of snow on Amarillo, Texas, yesterday. It was really confusing for people sneaking over the border. They thought they’d gone all the way to Canada.

In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico.

Doesn’t sequestration sound like some kind of side effect from a bad medicine?


People still are talking about the Oscars — at least my comedy writers are.

Somebody noticed that none of the Oscar winners thanked God. To add insult to injury, at his last sermon, the same day, the Pope thanked Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep.

It’s being reported that next season, “Downton Abbey” will feature its first black character. The producers hope this will lead to “Downton Abbey’s” first black viewer.

Longevity scientists said that compared to last century, 72 is the new 30. However, they said that Larry King is still very, very old.

Late Show with David Letterman

The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month’s cover of the “Sports Illustrated” pants suit issue.

The Pope was fired a couple weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers.

The Pope does not earn a nickel. No paycheck, no money coming in, nothing. That must drive his wife crazy.

Earlier tonight ABC announced their new “Dancing With the Stars” lineup. I was confused. I thought the sequester eliminated that.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today they announced the new cast of “Dancing With the Stars.” Guess who they got this year? Ingo Rademacher. I can’t believe they got him or her.

The show also got Dorothy Hamill and Andy Dick. I know Dorothy Hamill and Andy Dick. One is the prancing ice princess who stole my heart in Montreal and the other one is Dorothy Hamill.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The cast of “Duck Dynasty” is here with us today. Some of our camera guys are so excited, they wore camouflage to work today.

Our originally scheduled music guest, Morrissey, cancelled. He is a staunch animal rights activist. He said he “couldn’t morally be on a show where cast members of ‘Duck Dynasty’ will also be guests.” While I respect his stance, there’s a very good reason I didn’t dump the “Duck Dynasty” guys for Morrissey. It’s because they have guns and Morrissey doesn’t.

This morning on “Good Morning America,” ABC unveiled the new cast of “Dancing With the Stars.” It was a who’s who of who needs money.

TLC announced that “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” will soon be on the air in Australia, Latin America, and the Netherlands. Personally, I’m not in favor of exporting our reality shows to other countries. Deporting our reality shows, yes. But exporting, no.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Manti Te’o was apparently one of the slowest linebackers to run the 40-yard dash at the NFL’s scouting combine yesterday. You can tell he took it to heart because today he spent three hours on an imaginary Stairmaster.

Kim Kardashian said that she and Kanye West want to get married, but they’re not going to rush it. And also because they have to wait until Kim is actually divorced.

Beyoncé has actually designed her own pair of sneakers. The sneakers are made of stingray, ostrich, cat hair, crocodile, and anaconda skins. So if you want a pair of those sneakers, you’d better order it now while species last.

The online college, the University of Phoenix, could lose its license because of questionable billing policies. Which makes sense when you find out they got their accounting degree from the University of Phoenix.

Wednesday Feb 27 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn’t happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn’t quite pin a tail on it.

In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog.

For the first time ever, NBC finished fifth in the ratings. Fifth! If we were a racehorse in England, we’d be a Burger King Whopper now.

President Obama said this week that after four years as president, “you realize all the mistakes you’ve made.” so apparently he DOES watch Fox News.


Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of “Dancing With the Stars.”

The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that “the lord seemed to be asleep.” When asked for comment the lord said, “You try staying awake through a Latin mass.”

Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama’s gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis.

Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company’s low wages. The employees said, “They’re paying us peanuts. By the way, they’re only six points per serving.”

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s tax season. Has anybody been to their accountant? I used to go in with a short form and be out of there in 10 minutes. Well, now I went to the guy and the first thing he says to me when I walk into the office is, “Are you sure you weren’t tailed?”

Any Catholics with us tonight? Well, I guess you didn’t give up entertainment for lent.

Sequesters — any idea what those are? The star of “Rocky” was Sequester Stallone. That’s as close as I can come.

Congratulations to Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense. And today, he’s already off to a bad start. He’s going to bring all of the troops home from Afghanistan, but they’re coming on a Carnival cruise.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Italy just had its elections. There’s no winner. There’s no government in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets, waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections.

All this turmoil, of course, is nothing new in Italy. Until the late 19th century it was just a bunch of feuding states. And the women had tiny mustaches. It was like the Kardashians.

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest — or an interior decorator.

A lot of Americans can’t believe how crazy the politics are in Italy. A comedian might become prime minister. We would never do that in America. A pro wrestler? Sure. Stuart Smalley from “Saturday Night Live”? Yeah.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

TLC has renewed its reality show, “Breaking Amish,” for a second season. Parents of those kids would be so proud if they had any idea what that meant.

Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester — when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you’re someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, this is a tough weekend.

In his final speech before resigning, Pope Benedict said that he is not abandoning the Catholic Church. Like most Catholics, he’ll be back for Christmas and Easter.


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