Sunday Funnies

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Friday Feb 01 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is not legally president. He said it invalidated the whole thing.

It’s going to be quite the halftime show at the Super Bowl. Beyoncé is going to perform her smash hit “Single Ladies.” then Dan Marino will come out and sing “Love Child.”

That’s the big story that broke this week — former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino fathered a secret love child back in 2005. Obviously, his wife is not too happy. In fact, he could become the first NFL player to sustain more concussions AFTER he retired.

I love this story; the state of Washington is now looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this is one of those green jobs President Obama is always talking about.

Late Show with David Letterman

I’m very excited about the Super Bowl, and how can you not be? It’s the Ravens-Niners. I mean, it makes you want to run out and buy a team scarf.

There’s a lot of traditions around the Super Bowl. And you’re aware of most of them. For example, for the 43rd consecutive year, the New York Jets will be watching the game from home.

As you know, a lot of people just watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. They watch the commercials because they find them more entertaining than the game itself. That’s why a lot of people watch this show.

Tonight is our 31st anniversary of doing late night TV. People say to me, “Dave, how do you do it night after night after night?” Honestly, it’s got to take a toll. I say simple, it’s the deer antler spray.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Super Bowl is on Sunday, and both teams are already in New Orleans getting ready for the big game. And during their practice yesterday, the 49ers actually piped in fake crowd noise to simulate the loud conditions for Sunday’s game. Yeah, fake crowd noise — or as Manti Te’o put it, “They sounded real to me!”

This is interesting. A new survey found that 27 percent of Americans think God plays a role in who wins the Super Bowl. Then Tim Tebow was like, “No. No, he doesn’t.”

Here’s some news out of Washington. Today, President Obama honored more than 20 researchers for their contributions to science and technology. Unfortunately, it was overshadowed by the football game — or as those researchers put it, “Man, high school never ends, does it?”

The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it’s time to move on, while his mother says he’s still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him.

Monday Feb 04 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

So deer antler spray works. How about that! Congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens, the new Super Bowl champs. But how about that blackout? That’s what happens when Beyoncé actually sings live.

When the lights first went out, out of force of habit Ray Lewis started running from security.

Congratulations to coach Harbaugh — and to coach Harbaugh, better luck next time.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he would like to become the first Iranian to go into space. And today Israel said, “Flight’s on us! No problem. We’ve got everything covered.”


I lost $200 on last night’s Super Bowl. I bet on electricity. I thought that was a sure-fire bet. It never goes out during the Super Bowl.

During the Super Bowl there was a 35-minute blackout. Afterwards Lindsay Lohan said, “So that wasn’t just me.”

After the game, Baltimore quarterback Joe Flacco announced his wife is pregnant. Apparently he went against NFL rules and impregnated the woman that he is married to.

U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé.

Late Show with David Letterman

Congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens. And congratulations to Ravens coach John Harbaugh. He was named the game’s most valuable Harbaugh.

Everybody is talking about the Super Bowl’s big power failure. I’m talking about the 49ers defense.

The power outage during the Super Bowl lasted XXXIV minutes.

A power outage during a Super Bowl in Louisiana — but don’t worry. FEMA said they will be there no later than Thursday.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Excuse me if I seem tired. I just got back from New Orleans. I have a pretty bad gumbo hangover.

What a Super Bowl that was. During the first quarter, Will Ferrell was sitting a few rows in front of me. Channing Tatum was over here and Jay-Z was over there. There were so many important people that I kept waiting for someone to tell me to leave.

There was a power outage that is still not officially explained. When the lights first went out, it was kind of scary. They thought they’d pop back on, and we’d see one of announcers slumped over with a knife in the back.

I was with a bunch of CBS people when the lights went out. They were freaking out because when it gets dark around CBS, Dan Marino gets a little frisky.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night was one of the highest rated Super Bowls ever, with 108 million people watching. This year’s game added $430 million to the New Orleans economy — apparently none of which was used to pay the electric bill.

The lights in the Superdome went out for 33 minutes at the beginning of the third quarter. The 49ers were just standing around on the field, not knowing what to do — and then the blackout happened.

The lights went out in the third quarter, which is weird because normally I don’t experience a blackout until after a Super Bowl party.

On Saturday Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow. And you know what that means — nothing, because that’s not how weather works.

Tuesday Feb 05 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill.

CBS is now facing a possible fine because Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco was overheard dropping the F-bomb on the air. CBS is arguing they could not have foreseen this happening — you know, someone on the Ravens breaking the law who isn’t Ray Lewis.

In Great Britain the bones of King Richard III, who was killed in 1485, have been discovered under a parking lot. And you know how he died? Fighting over a parking space.

According to a new traffic study, it takes longer to get to work in Washington, D.C., than any other city in the country. On the other hand, they don’t do any work once they get there, so it’s pretty much a wash.


What a kooky Super Bowl it was. Strange stories keep coming out. During the Ravens’ celebration, it was revealed the Super Bowl trophy went missing. Coach John Harbaugh called his mother and said, “Make Jim give it back. Make him give it back now!”

After the game, Super Bowl quarterback Joe Flacco announced his wife’s pregnant. In response, Dan Marino said, “I can explain.”

A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn’t that crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding.

Scientists have found the remains of England’s King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn’t find his ticket. So he’ll be charged the day rate.

Late Show with David Letterman

They had the Super Bowl blackout and now we’re learning that they also lost the Super Bowl trophy. The Lombardi Trophy — they give you that giant silver football, and now it’s missing. So that explains the blackout. It was a heist!

You don’t know you’re old until you try to participate in current culture. I’ll give you an example. I’m watching the Super Bowl and the lights go out. Out of force of habit in my own home I try to clap them back on.

The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama’s first debate with Romney.

Let’s make Super Bowl weekend a three-day holiday. Why not? I think Americans will need Monday off to return the kegs.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Canadians got rid of their penny today. There are no more one-cent coins in Canada. So now if you’re in Canada, and say to someone “a penny for your thoughts,” that is now illegal. They will put you in jail.

Prison in Canada is probably fun. The prisoners are so polite, they ask you nicely before they stab you, “Where would you like to be stabbed?”

Canadians have a one-dollar coin. They call it the loonie. Here in America, the loonie is what we call Mel Gibson.

Remember the expression, “Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have good luck?” Well, what are they supposed to do in Canada now? Without the penny, everyone in Canada is now doomed to a luck-free life of clean air, civilized social discourse, and free health insurance.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A French tattoo artist met a young lady and less than 24 hours after they met, she allowed him to tattoo his name on her face. That means she either really loves him or really hates her parents.

They say they’re planning to get married. Once you get a name tattooed on your face, you might as well give it a shot.

On the bright side, if the marriage doesn’t work out . . . Well, actually there is no bright side, so good luck.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not only that — it’s also warning South Korea that it will face serious consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios.

Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I’ve heard you won’t be able to see the seals until it’s too late.

The Department of Justice is trying to block Anheuser-Busch from buying Corona. So they did what everyone else does — got their older brother to buy it for them.

Wednesday Feb 06 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama’s economic policy is also his climate change policy.

This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare.

The U.S. Postal Service announced they are ending Saturday delivery of the mail. Now if you have a problem and you want to complain, you can email them at

Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws, making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue. Is that what the government’s come down to now? We’re selling drugs to pay off our debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface?


Next year’s Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave.

Beyonce’s publicist is busy trying to get seven unflattering photos of Beyoncé removed from the Internet. The publicist is described by friends as hard working and new to the Internet.

A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie “Lincoln” are historically inaccurate — particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark.

Late Show with David Letterman

After the Super Bowl game, the winning team, the Baltimore Ravens, lost the trophy. But that’s not the only thing. The 49ers lost the trophy in the first quarter.

You know, something similar happened to golfer Tiger Woods. He lost a trophy wife.

In New York City this week, it’s Fashion Week. Remember, during Fashion Week, please, whatever you do, do not feed the supermodels.

In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is a great day for fans of Monopoly — the game that introduced generations of kids to the concept of mortgage debt.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

To make room for a cat, Monopoly’s dropping one of the old game pieces. So the iron is going away. Take it from me. You should never put a cat and an iron together. No matter how wrinkly the cat is.

You know what I never understood? — why they sell Ouija boards in the “board game” section. I don’t think that is really a game, is it? Nothing says “family fun” like communicating with the dead.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A major announcement from the makers of Monopoly today. They’re retiring their least-popular game piece — the iron. It will not be a part of the game from now on. They have to keep updating these poor games to keep them fresh. Candy Land just changed its name to Fresh Organic Vegetable Land.

Monopoly let people in 120 countries vote through Facebook. The choices for a new game piece were a diamond ring, a little robot, helicopter, guitar, and the winner which was a cat. This goes to show you if you let the Internet decide, it will always choose cats.

I hope this doesn’t cause a problem with the little Scottie dog. I can’t have animals chasing each other on my board.

Now what do you do with the Monopoly iron? There are still ways to enjoy it. You can use it as a paperweight for Post-it notes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

PETA is criticizing Beyoncé for the leather costume she wore during the Super Bowl halftime show. Or as the ball that got thrown and kicked for three solid hours put it, “Yeah, THAT’S the leather you should be worried about.”

It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday. It’s pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could’ve made off with as much as negative $14 trillion.

After thousands of people voted on Facebook, Monopoly is replacing its iron game piece with a cat. And if that surprises you, remember — these are the people who had enough free time to vote on a new Monopoly game piece.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un recently got a smart phone. And you can tell it’s a smart phone because today it left North Korea.

Thursday Feb 07 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

More bad news for A-Rod. It looks like there is more evidence linking Alex Rodriguez to a Miami doctor who prescribed performance-enhancing drugs. Here’s how bad it is for A-Rod. He is now favored to win this year’s Tour de France.

Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn’t it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he wants to become the first Iranian to go into outer space. He wants to study the effects of anti-gravity on anti-Semitism.

Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail.


This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I’m ever doing on this show.

When asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, “It’s not my thing.” Trump went on to say marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years.

Home Depot plans to hire 80,000 new employees. The CEO said, “If your skills are avoiding customers and hiding in the break room, give us a call.”

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s Fashion Week in New York City. And by the way, if you’re keeping track, this is Fashion Week XLVII.

The police in New York City used to have the “stop and frisk” law for Fashion Week. They replaced that with “stop and pose.”

The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams.

Mayor Bloomberg is on a campaign to make New York City a better place to live. Guess what he’s done now? He’s outlawing Styrofoam cups. He wants New York City to have the nation’s toughest cup control laws.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A new report by economists lists the world’s most expensive cities. It turns out the most expensive city is Tokyo, Japan. Tokyo unveiled their new tourism slogan today. Their slogan is: “Tokyo: We’ll leave you brokeo.”

I’d love to go to Tokyo. It’s not just expensive; it’s also one of the most crowded cities in the world. A city full of people with thick wallets? It makes me pine for the days when I was a Dickensian pickpocket.

Paris finished number eight. The people in France were very annoyed today. Then they heard about the list. And then they said, “Just do not raise the price of soft cheese.”

Oslo, Norway, is number five on the list. Apparently it is very expensive to buy umlauts. That’s what they have in Norway. Umlauts are those dots they put above vowels.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Dr. Phil is with us tonight — and make no mistake, if any of you are pretending to be a football player’s imaginary girlfriend, he will find you and you will confess.

This weekend a couple from Connecticut will have the longest marriage ever recorded in the U.S. They got married more than 80 years ago. You see how long a marriage can last if you don’t meet on “The Bachelor”?

They got married Nov. 25, 1932. They bonded over their mutual love of music, travel, and not dying of polio.

They said the secret to their long-lasting marriage is love, compromise, and the fact that neither one of them has been able to hear a word the other one has said in more than 30 years.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Northeast is bracing for a snowstorm this weekend. Some forecasts say it will be only two inches while others predict 30 inches. When asked why they couldn’t make a better prediction, meteorologists were like, “Uh, we’re meteorologists.”

Actually, they’re saying New York could receive up to 12 inches of snow this weekend. Or as Subway calls it: 11 inches.

Supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 super PAC on her behalf called “Ready for Hillary.” And more cautious Democratic supporters have started another super PAC called “Bracing for Biden.”

Last night runners from around the world competed in the annual race to the top of the Empire State Building. But there’s already a scandal brewing. It turns out one of the competitors tested positive for elevator.


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Jeff Koterba cartoon for January 29, 2013

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Jeff Koterba cartoon for February 7, 2013
"Drone Budget Congress"

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