Sunday Funnies

Friday Jan 25 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Most of the East Coast is experiencing freezing temperatures. It is so cold, Lance Armstrong put his blood in the microwave instead of the refrigerator.

It is so cold, the Lakers could see their own last breath.

According to a new study, as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. Researchers said they were surprised by how many people actually hate long walks on the beach at sunset.

A man named Peter Robbins, a 56-year-old guy, was the voice of Charlie Brown in the TV specials. He was arrested for stalking. Apparently, Charlie Brown did not have the money to post bail. You know why? He’s working for peanuts.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Tomorrow is our 10-year anniversary. To commemorate that, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce gave me a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. They say you haven’t made it in Hollywood until your name is permanently displayed where homeless people go to the bathroom.

Tonight Nicki Minaj is here, or else I saw a rainbow in the green room. I am not totally sure.

Interesting fact about Nicki Minaj. She washes her hair in Skittles.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world’s largest social network is raising money for the world’s largest governor.

Why does Mark Zuckerberg need to raise a fundraiser worth $12 billion. Write a check and be done with the whole thing.

Monday Jan 28 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to “stop being the stupid party.” Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, smokers lose at least one decade off their life compared to nonsmokers. However, the cost of living has gone up, so it’s cheaper to buy cigarettes now and die sooner.

According to a new report, it now costs $351,000 to raise a child for 18 years. And you can double that again waiting the next 18 years for that lazy kid to move out of the basement.

Subway has officially apologized to any customer who was served a foot-long sub that didn’t measure a foot long. Is that how fat we’ve gotten in this country now — where we’re threatening legal action if our subs are an inch too short?

Conan

A Secret Service dog died during a fundraiser where Vice President Joe Biden was giving a speech. The dog is being described as “lucky.”

Iran has successfully sent a monkey into space. Iran is calling it a huge advancement in not letting women drive.

A fan is suing the San Antonio Spurs because at the game he attended the star players were benched. Meanwhile in L.A., a fan is suing the Lakers because at the game he attended, the star players played.

Late Show with David Letterman

If I seem a little woozy, it’s because I’m wearing a pair of those Hillary Clinton double-vision glasses.

Are you excited about the Super Bowl? The pregame coverage, of course, began on Labor Day.

The earth’s temperature has gone up 2 degrees, which is 2 more degrees than Dr. Phil has.

Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The price of a stamp goes up a penny today, to 46 cents. To make sure everyone received the news promptly, the U.S. Postal Service announced it by email.

This cent-by-cent thing by the post office is annoying. It’s how CBS gives me raises.

Some people think email has ruined the art of letter writing. I disagree. Email has us writing more than ever. But email has ruined the art of licking.

Most stamps these days are self-adhesive. You don’t even need to lick them anymore. So now I’ve got all this extra saliva.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Our 10-year anniversary was Saturday night so this is the first show of our second decade on television. We have had a goal for 10 years, and that is to put on a great show. One day we’re going to put on a great show. Until then, we will wait.

The U.S. Postal Service raised the price of a stamp yesterday. Stamps are something that the pilgrims used before we had the Internet.

It will now cost you 46 cents to mail a letter. Some people are complaining about the price even though it’s a penny more than the old price. You’re not allowed to spend $4 on a cup of coffee and complain about a cent.

In Iran last week, the government successfully launched a live monkey into space. I like that they specified it was a live monkey as if there was a chance they would send a dead monkey into space.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on “60 Minutes” for their first joint interview. It was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit.

Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he’d finally gotten out of Iran.

Today is the 200th anniversary of the classic Jane Austen novel “Pride and Prejudice.” Fans of the novel celebrated the way they always do: reading about halfway through and then giving up.

Tuesday Jan 29 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The Boy Scouts of America is now considering an end to its longstanding policy of banning gay scouts. How about that? And the girl scouts have a new policy during cookie season. It’s called “Don’t ask, just sell.”

The whole world is changing. In fact, today, the Olympic Committee said soon they may allow straight male figure skaters.

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn’t.

According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science, people eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times. How ironic is that? The biggest obstacle to Michele Obama’s war on obesity is President Obama’s economic policy.

Conan

This will be the first Super Bowl ever where the head coaches are brothers. Jackie Harbaugh, their mother, said she would like the game to end in a tie. However, just to be safe, she’s got 20 grand on the Ravens.

It’s being reported that Korean pop star Psy will appear in a Super Bowl commercial and then finally he will go away forever.

This weekend the Pope released a dove from his window only to see it get viciously attacked by a sea gull. So either there is no God or there is a God and he’s hilarious.

Ben and Jerry’s has announced a new flavor based on a popular TV show. But I’m not sure people want a scoop of Law and Order: Special Victims’ Yogurt.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Super Bowl is on Sunday and both teams are coached by Harbaughs. I’m sick and tired of hearing about Harbaughs. They’re now getting their own shows, “The Harbaughs” and “Keeping Up With the Harbaughs.”

New York City is always striving to improve the quality of life here. Now they’re taking down all of the street signs on poles in the city because of clutter. Radioactive steam — not a problem. City buses disappearing into potholes — not a problem. Meth labs on every corner — not a problem. Meat vendors selling squirrel — not a problem.

Manti Te’o was a standout college football player in love with a young girl that he’s never seen or met. So the kid goes on Katie Couric’s show and says his life has changed because of this. Now he’s everywhere. Tomorrow he’ll be on Rachel Ray’s show. He’ll be cooking imaginary coconut prawns.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is a great day for two American icons who share a birthday today. The ruler of Hawaii, Tom Selleck, and the ruler of the rest of the world, Oprah Winfrey.

What do you buy Oprah Winfrey for her birthday? She has everything — except a successful TV network.

Oprah was in the news recently for her Lance Armstrong interview. It was TV at its most powerful. Armstrong tearfully admitted to using steroids, and Oprah reciprocated by tearfully admitting she once had to pump her own gas.

I greatly respect Oprah because she is from a tough background. Her story’s fantastic. She was born dirt poor in the Deep South, then went on to help millions. She was her generation’s Honey Boo Boo.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Kim and Kourtney Kardashian are here, and so is Kim’s unborn baby. So technically tonight, we have two and a half Kardashians — which is a show that CBS should make immediately.

According to multiple reports, singers Chris Brown and Frank Ocean got into a tussle over a parking spot on Sunday night. Chris posted a painting on Instagram last night comparing himself to Jesus on the cross. Fighting guys in parking lots: That’s so Jesus.

Apple unveiled a new version of the iPad today. This iPad has all the same features as the last iPad plus more memory. It comes with a trash can for you to store all the iPads that you already have.

At this point, I would like to have Apple just set up a system where we send them a check for $700 every four to six months and they just promise not to make new things.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

“60 Minutes” anchor Steve Kroft is defending Sunday’s interview with President Obama and Hillary Clinton, saying that he didn’t have enough time to ask hard-hitting questions. That would be easier to believe if the name of his show wasn’t the amount of time he had.

The president just announced that same-sex couples will be included in his immigration reform bill. When they heard, same-sex couples were like, “You know we’re already citizens, right?”

Today was media day for Super Bowl 47, and both teams shared their predictions for Sunday’s game. It was pretty crazy. One team thinks THEY’RE going to win — but the other team thinks THEY’RE going to win.

Speaking of the Super Bowl, 49ers wide receiver Randy Moss told his teammates that they are in New Orleans on a business trip and they’re not there to have fun. Then he went back to his job: catching a ball for money.

Wednesday Jan 30 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Zimbabwe’s finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said, “Stop bragging!”

Yesterday President Obama went to Las Vegas and spoke about his new immigration plan. Afterwards he was harshly criticized by the locals for speaking in English.

The Senate has overwhelmingly approved John Kerry as the next secretary of state. In his farewell speech today to the Senate, Kerry spoke for 51 minutes. So, apparently he does believe in torture.

John Kerry is the first white male to hold that job since 1997. So finally middle-aged white guys with gray hair are breaking through the glass ceiling.

Conan

The head coaches for the Super Bowl are two brothers, Jim and John Harbaugh. Their mother promises that whatever the outcome she is going to call the loser after the game and telling him he was adopted.

China is launching their own version of the TV show “Friends.” Six attractive young people live together in an iPad factory. They get yelled at if they don’t work fast enough.

A new study has found that leafy greens are the leading cause of food poisoning. In other words, Americans have nothing to worry about.

Late Show with David Letterman

More trouble in the world of big-time athletics and steroid use. Turns out now that Alex Rodriguez may have been using performance-enhancing drugs for quite a long time. Calling Oprah!

This Sunday is the Harbaugh Bowl. You know about this? It’s the Harbaugh brothers. You have Jim Harbaugh coaching the 49ers and you have John Harbaugh coaching the Baltimore Ravens. I mean, can you feel the electricity?

The Harbaugh brothers were very close in college. As a matter of fact, they dated imaginary twins.

We have a new secretary of state, John Kerry, former senator from Massachusetts. For four years Hillary Clinton served as the secretary of state, and in a moving ceremony today Hillary official turned over the pants suit.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A new show premiered tonight on the FX network called “The Americans.” It’s about Russian spies embedded in Washington, D.C., during the Cold War. They’re Russian agents who look like us, talk like us, but all of their relationships are based on a big lie. These days that only happens to college football players.

Keri Russell stars in “The Americans.” She plays what intelligence services call a “sleeper agent.” That’s the kind of spy I’d want to be, a sleeper agent. My skill — taking naps in five languages.

I don’t think I’d make a good spy. All that lying, duplicity, pretending to be someone you’re not. No, I prefer good old-fashioned honest Hollywood.

The first episode of this spy show was great. Their mission was to fake a drivers license for a young socialist Kenyan boy living in Hawaii.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

We are four days away from the Super Bowl. Super Bowl parties are a lot of fun. It’s also a really great way to give your friends all the flu at once.

On Sunday the San Francisco 49ers battle the Baltimore Ravens. A study conducted by a religious research institute says 27 percent of Americans believe God has a hand in determining which team wins. So if you’re praying for a new kidney this Sunday, sorry, God has the Ravens and the 49ers.

Of course God cares about football. He created a girlfriend for Manti Te’o out of nothing.

If God really is influencing NFL games, that would mean he isn’t in church on Sunday, so why should I go?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Super Bowl between the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens is this weekend. The big news today is that Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis may have used a performance-enhancing substance called deer antler extract. That explains how Lewis has been preparing for the game — staring into a set of headlights.

A zoo in California announced that its monkey has randomly picked the 49ers to win the Super Bowl. And not surprisingly, the zoo’s deer picked Ray Lewis and the Ravens.

An employee of the U.S. Postal Service is retiring after 44 years without using any of her sick days. Friends describe her as “dedicated,” while co-workers describe her as “that lady who gave me the flu.”

Thursday Jan 31 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino has admitted he fathered a child while having an extramarital affair with a CBS production assistant. And today Manti Te’o said, “See, that’s why you have imaginary girlfriends.”

Today Dr. Phil spoke to the guy who was behind the Manti Te’o hoax in a special two-part episode of “Dr. Phil.” That’s when you know somebody’s really screwed up — when Dr. Phil needs two shows to fix him.

Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis once again denied using the banned substance deer antler velvet extract. He says these accusations are nothing more than a trick of the devil. Today Patriots coach Bill Belichick said, “Why am I getting dragged into this? I had nothing to do with it.”

In his farewell speech to the Senate this week, John Kerry spoke for 51 minutes about Washington being gridlocked. The cause of the gridlock? Senators giving 51-minute speeches.

Late Show with David Letterman

Are you thrilled about Super Bowl XLVII? Are you ready to go? The 50-yard line is where you’d want to sit, right? From there you are so close you can smell the deer antler spray.

Before you kids start using the deer antler spray, there are a couple of side effects. Number one, skittishness. And number two, freezing in headlights.

You know who’s having a Super Bowl party? Manti Te’o. He’s already hired an imaginary caterer.

Lindsay Lohan is back in court. For Lindsay, this will be appearance number XLVII.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today is the anniversary of the very first daytime soap opera. It was called “These Are My Children,” and it premiered in 1949 on NBC. There aren’t many soap operas left. They’re going away, like newspapers and compact discs and Lance Armstrong fans.

With Facebook, now you can watch any person’s life like it’s a soap opera, assuming it’s a real person. Am I right, college football players with fake girlfriends?

Growing up in Scotland, I watched the soap opera “Coronation Street.” It was on TV over there for 50 years — like Larry King in this country.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

On Sunday the 49ers take on the Ravens in Super Bowl. Here’s what I don’t get. They spend a lot of money on the commercials. Shouldn’t they run the beer and chip commercials BEFORE the Super Bowl?

I have a lot of eating planned for Sunday. Hot wings. Nachos. Sausages. The inside of my stomach is going to look like a Michelle Obama nightmare.

There’s a petition going around asking President Obama to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday. That’s a good idea. After a long, exhausting day of sitting on the couch watching TV, I need a day off.

The petition has almost 12,000 signatures. Do we need a day off after the Super Bowl? Isn’t that kind of disrespectful to our real holidays?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Former NFL quarterback Dan Marino has admitted to fathering a secret child back in 2005. I don’t know why people are surprised — the Dolphins never gave him good protection.

To compete with the Super Bowl on Sunday, TNT is airing a marathon of “Law & Order.” Now viewers have two places to see Ray Lewis.

Lance Armstrong has turned down a spot on the new season of “Dancing With the Stars.” Even weirder, Manti Te’o’s girlfriend said yes.

A bipartisan group of senators has unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as immigrants call that, “a tunnel.”

Source