Sunday Funnies

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Thursday Jan 03 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

John Boehner was re-elected speaker of the house, which is pretty amazing — a Republican winning anything these days.

Chris Christie also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, “Hey, we don’t do anything for anybody.”

President Obama signed the new fiscal cliff tax increase into law while vacationing in Hawaii today. He used an autopen, an electronic way of signing your name when you’re not even there. Politicians can now raise your taxes while they’re on vacation in Hawaii. This is a Democrat’s dream come true.

The National Journal says that Joe Biden may be the most influential vice president in history. Joe Biden got this exciting news while he was walking President Obama’s dog, Bo.

Late Show with David Letterman

Has anyone seen Al Gore’s Current TV? I don’t mean by mistake. I mean, who’s actually watched it?

Well, Al-Jazeera has purchased Al Gore’s old TV network, Current TV. So it’s now owned by Al-Jazeera. And listen to this: $500 million. This is a little something Al Gore has come up with called “global fleecing.”

Al Gore, Al-Jazeera; Al-Jazeera, Al Gore.

Al-Jazeera has some fabulous programming lined up. They’ve got a new show called “Storage Jihad.” They have “Project Burka.” And a show called “Real Virgins of Fallujah.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, “Well, that’s enough work for the year.”

Today the Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women said they’re very excited, and look forward to proving they can accomplish just as little as male senators.

Older members of the Academy are having trouble submitting their Oscar votes this year because for the first time, they are voting online. The good news is that “Les Miz” has gotten a lot of votes for Best Picture; the bad news is, most of them were typed into a microwave.

Friday Jan 04 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

This week Congress approved some version of the fiscal tax bill, which raises taxes on rich Americans. President Obama was determined to do this right away — while there are still some rich Americans left.

Americans from all sides of the political spectrum seem to be upset about this fiscal cliff deal. Imagine how the Chinese must feel. It’s their money.

Al Gore’s Current TV has been sold to Al-Jazeera for a reported $500 million. Experts believe that Al-Jazeera overpaid for Current TV by approximately $500 million.

The National Journal says Joe Biden maybe the most influential vice president in history. Is that really a compliment? Isn’t that like being the tallest hobbit?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow is the start of the NFL playoffs. The Bengals are playing the Texans at Houston; the Vikings are playing the Packers at Green Bay; and the Jets are playing the Giants at Scrabble.

That’s right, the NFL playoffs start this weekend. Yep, I can’t wait to just plant myself on the couch and watch all the games — or as that’s also known, “Tebowing.”

Congrats to “Star Wars” creator George Lucas, who just got engaged to his girlfriend of seven years. Yeah, seven years. Of course, since it’s George Lucas, people say the first three were great but the ones after that were kinda disappointing.

Actually, George Lucas’s fiancé is 25 years younger than him. Or as his lawyer put it, “May the pre-nup be with you.”

Monday Jan 07 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Today Democrats said they want another trillion dollars in taxes. Didn’t we just give them $620 billion last Wednesday? Is that gone already? Who is running this, “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”?

Scientists in China say obesity may be caused by bacteria in your stomach. Three of the most common carriers of the bacteria are pizza, cheeseburgers, and doughnuts.

Police in Brazil have apprehended a cat that has been traveling in and out of a men’s prison with various escape tools, like saw blades and drill bits, taped to its body. The judge was pretty harsh. Today, the cat received nine life sentences.

Lance Armstrong now says he may admit that he used performance enhancing drugs. I guess he realized he’s the only person in the world who still wasn’t sure about it.


Tickets to President Obama’s inauguration have sold out. At least that’s what the president is telling Joe Biden.

Tonight Notre Dame plays Alabama in the BCS championship game. That’s big. I was home for the holidays so I’ve had quite enough of the Fighting Irish.

After 113 days, the National Hockey League has settled its contract dispute. So finally Americans can get back to not watching hockey.

Last week photos surfaced of Justin Bieber smoking marijuana. Fans of Justin Bieber were really upset and fans of marijuana were really embarrassed.

Late Show with David Letterman

The hockey lockout is over. We had no hockey in October. I knew the NHL lockout would be settled once it was purchased by al-Jazeera.

A team of scientists in Scotland has developed a computer that writes jokes. The good thing about a computer that writes jokes is that the jokes may not be that funny, but at least it doesn’t take off the Jewish holidays.

Lindsay Lohan was in court again today. She’s been sworn in so many times she has Bible elbow.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Two beloved institutions have returned. Yesterday the NHL agreed to end their strike. On the same day, “Downton Abbey” began season three on PBS. I would love to see more hockey on “Downton Abbey.”

Hockey and “Downton Abbey” are very different, of course. One’s a vicious game played by scary people with bad teeth. The other one’s hockey.

Over here, “Downton Abbey” is on PBS. That’s why I’m glad I watched it in Britain. I don’t feel guilty about not giving PBS any money.

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Joe Biden and his wife left D.C. this weekend for a five-day vacation in the Caribbean. Of course, most of that time will be spent telling him that Margaritaville isn’t a real place.

Lance Armstrong’s lawyer is denying reports that he will admit to using performance-enhancing drugs. He said that Lance has been very consistent about his intentions to just keep lying about it.

A new study found that our personalities change about once every 10 years. And if you disagree with the study — well, just give it 10 years.

On Friday a passenger on a flight to JFK had to be restrained with duct tape after he got drunk and started yelling at other passengers. Duct tape to hold someone in their seat — or as Southwest Airlines calls that, “a seatbelt.”

Tuesday Jan 08 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

According to several reports, a lot of people think 2013 is going to be bad luck because it has the number 13 in it. You know what you call these people? Notre Dame fans.

Do you know what BCS stands for? “Beating Catholics Soundly.”

Let me tell you how bad it was. Today the Pope suggested that Notre Dame might want to be a Lutheran college.

The game was basically over at halftime. It was like a Lakers game.


Last night Alabama won football’s national championship by defeating Notre Dame 42-4. Irish people haven’t been this depressed since — all the time. Every day. Constantly.

Good news for hockey. After 113 days, the National Hockey League has settled its contract dispute. The last time Americans went 113 days without watching hockey, it was during last year’s hockey season.

A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he’s ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard.

According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it’s being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback.

Late Show with David Letterman

We’re $20 trillion in debt so somebody at the treasury department says that what we’ll do is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I’ve seen a prototype. It has a beautiful profile of Regis Philbin.

You can use the trillion-dollar coin to pay off the national debt, or it will help you get a Kardashian.

Remember when Kim Kardashian was married to basketball player Chris Humphreys? Turns out they’re not legally divorced. This could get in the way and possibly hold up Kim’s divorce from Kanye West when they eventually get married.

What happened to the fiscal cliff? Are we on it or off it? Forget it. The debt ceiling is the brand new crisis. The fiscal cliff was just the warm-up, just for beginners, like a student film.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The great David Bowie turned 66 today. To celebrate, he released a new music video. I wish I could be like David Bowie and just disappear, stay under the radar and out of the spotlight for 10 years. Well, I’ve been doing this show for eight years, so just another two to go.

David Bowie is fantastic. I like to think I have some things in common with him. He’s from Britain. I’m from Britain. He used to have a problem with cocaine. I used to have a problem with cocaine. He’s considered a genius. I used to have a problem with cocaine.

I started listening to Bowie back in the 1970s. A big part of his mystique back then was his sexuality. He was ambiguous. Bowie made androgyny cool. In the decade before Bowie, music was dominated by macho, manly men. Like Elvis, Frank Sinatra, and Liberace.

Bowie’s been married to Iman, the model, now for 20 years. Marrying a model is a great idea because you save a fortune on food.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A new time slot. We used to be on at midnight. Now we’re on at 11:35. Now I’m 25 minutes closer to my lifelong dream of co-hosting “The View.”

“Nightline” is on after us now, but just because this isn’t “Nightline,” that doesn’t mean we’re not going to talk about important stuff. For instance, did you know Honey Boo Boo’s mother is afraid of mayonnaise?

My New Year’s resolution this year was to get a gym membership, use it twice, and then never use it again. I’m already halfway there.

Alabama won the college football championship game. It was a tough loss for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. If only Irish people had some kind of tradition of drowning their sorrows in something, it would have been so much easier.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night Alabama crushed Notre Dame 42-14 in the BCS National Championship. I haven’t seen such an ugly night for the Fighting Irish since Thanksgiving with my family.

Archeologists investigating an ancient shipwreck in Italy have discovered pills over 2,000 years old. Meanwhile, my mom was like, “That date is just a recommendation. They’re still good.”

To celebrate his birthday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un sent two pounds of candy to every child in the country. Which explains why Honey Boo Boo has applied for dual citizenship.

Wednesday Jan 09 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The Baseball Hall of Fame voting results are in, and for the first time since 1996, not one player was voted in. They turned down Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds. Here’s how bad it was: Lance Armstrong got more votes than any of those guys.

The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. I believe that celebration is called “Cinco de Career-o.”

The mayor is denying it. He said he only saw Charlie for a minute, but Charlie said he and the mayor had a wild time in Mexico partying with a number of hot women. Who are you going to believe — a party boy who has never done anything in his life or Charlie Sheen?

Here is a shocking statistic. You know who are the most frequent binge drinkers? Seniors! That explains Brent Musberger’s comments about Miss Alabama.


The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you’re eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business.

Chris Christie said to his fork, “Shut up or I’m going to switch to my friend — spoon.”

It’s being reported that Apple may be making a less-expensive version of their iPhone. They’re calling it a Samsung.

Late Show with David Letterman

Right here on CBS was the annual People’s Choice Awards show. It had fantastic categories like “favorite Kardashian” and “favorite late-night Jimmy.”

I was nominated and darn, I was defeated in my category by Brent Musburger. The category was “people’s choice for creepiest old guy.”

In 2012 we had the hottest year on record, and we had 357 brand-new record highs. That’s 358 if you count Lindsay Lohan.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Earlier tonight on Fox they aired a show called “Stars in Danger: The High Dive.” I can hear you mumbling at your TV, “Reality TV stars in a diving competition? Who’d even watch crap like that?

I only watched the first half-hour. In my defense, I didn’t know there’d be water in the pool.

One of the contestants on this show is Antonio Sabato Jr. I’m a big fan. I can tell you everything about him. His dad is Antonio Sabato Sr.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

It’s the second night of our new time slot. We had a big show last night. Unfortunately, I found out this afternoon we have to do it again tonight. I don’t know what these people want from me.

On Fox tonight, they aired a two-hour celebrity diving show called “Stars in Danger: The High Dive.” I think the only thing worse than being a celebrity contestant on a competitive diving show is being a celebrity judge on a competitive diving show.

On CBS tonight is the People’s Choice Awards. The People’s Choice Awards is basically an annual reminder that we have too many awards shows.

It’s voted on by the people instead of academy members. That’s all good until “Battleship” wins best picture.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The White House announced that the theme for President Obama’s inauguration will be “Faith in America’s Future.” Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

President Obama’s team is promising special perks for donors who give at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars.

Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC’s White House comedy, “1600 Penn,” which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, “Why’s everyone looking at me?”

Thursday Jan 10 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Oscar nominations were announced. “Lincoln” leads the list with 12 nominations. This is a first — not the most nominations, but the first time Hollywood has ever voted for a Republican president. That is amazing.

Congratulations Denzel Washington. He got nominated for best actor for “Flight.” It’s about a pilot who’s an alcoholic. Or as we call that now — a documentary.

The White House announced today that the theme for President Obama’s second inauguration will be “Faith in America’s Future.” The idea is to get our minds off of America’s present.

The makers of the Monopoly game announced they are going to replace one of the famous board game’s tokens. If they want to modernize Monopoly they should just throw the banker into prison and put Lindsay Lohan on the “Get Out of Jail” free card. That’s how you modernize the game.


A 9-year-old was nominated for an Oscar, making her the youngest nominee ever. She says she’s dreamed of winning an Oscar ever since last week.

President Obama’s inauguration is coming up. During next week’s inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You’re not a Muslim. You’re overcompensating.

Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly beating up his ex-bodyguard. Which begs the question — who hires a bodyguard that Justin Bieber can beat up?

The University of Arizona now offers a degree in hip-hop. Trust me. That’s one class where you don’t want to cheat off the Asian kid.

Late Show with David Letterman

Baseball’s Hall of Fame had its selections for players who are voted in. This year, nobody gets in. Lots of players were eligible, but nobody got in. However, Pete Rose is already taking bets for next year.

Last night here on CBS was the annual People’s Choice Awards. And for the 10th year in a row the people chose not to watch.

I don’t know how folks do it. I’m telling you, the only way you can get me to sit through an awards show is if I was duct taped to my seat.

Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. “Lincoln” received 12 Oscar nominations. “Lincoln” also received a nomination for best hat.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Oscar nominations were announced. The movie “Brave” was nominated for best animated feature. I did a voice in that movie. A few years ago, “How to Train Your Dragon” was nominated. I did a voice for that too. I’m sensing a pattern. Accolades are only given to work in which I don’t show my face.

The movie that got the most nominations was “Lincoln.” It’s the first time Hollywood has ever supported a Republican.

“Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance” got zip. Nothing. It is an outrage! Nicolas Cage played a motorcycle-riding skeleton on fire. Let’s see Daniel Day-Lewis do that.

John Williams was nominated for his “Lincoln” score. It’s his 48th nomination. I wonder if John Williams even pretends to care at this point.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Did any of you get nominated for an Oscar? Me neither. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get nominated, which I think is unfair.

I was looking through a list of the best picture nominees. Some of them are very obscure. The rule should be that a movie is eligible only if I’ve heard of it.

“Lincoln” led the field with 12 nominations. Lincoln I’ve heard of. The guy from the money, right?

In the best actress category, two records were set. An 85-year-old actress became the oldest nominee. And a 9-year-old became the youngest nominee. That is until Honey Boo Boo next year.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The 2013 Oscar nominations were announced today. “Lincoln” earned the most nominations of any movie. 12 nominations for “Lincoln.” I have a feeling that if he were alive today, Lincoln would say, “What is a movie?”

The Chilean movie “No” received a nomination for best foreign language film. The producers are working on the sequel called “Maybe.”

President Obama recently came under fire over the lack of diversity in his cabinet. Then Obama said, “You guys know I’ll be there, too, right?”

Prostitutes in Brazil have started learning English so they can communicate with out-of-town clients during the World Cup. They are learning key phrases like, “You are very handsome” and “Nice to meet you, Mr. Sheen.”


Teacher Arrested at JFK

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport this morning as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. Although he did not identify the man, he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.” The Attorney General went on to say “Teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is dangerous and puts our government at risk.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.” White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Hat tip: The Radio Patriot

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