Sunday Funnies

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Wednesday Jan 02 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Some people are concerned 2013 will be an unlucky year because of the number 13. As compared to those lucky years like 2012 and 2011.

Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing. Well, taxes are going up, and now, they’re looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators.

This has been a tough week for NFL coaches. Seven NFL head coaches got fired on Monday. That’s a lot of job openings. That’s the most job openings we’ve had in this country in the last four years.

According to Forbes magazine, the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable team in the NFL. They are worth $2 billion. So I guess that old adage, “winning isn’t everything,” is true.

Late Show with David Letterman

You’re looking at a very happy man. I made $500. You know how I did that? Betting against the Mayans.

Welcome to The Late Show, ladies and gentlemen, referred to as TV’s entertainment cliff.

Kim Kardashian is pregnant. I just hope the media doesn’t make a big deal about it. I hope it doesn’t get blown way out of proportion.

That means Kim will be seeking publicity for two now.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

After hours and hours of tough negotiation, the most powerful people in America have finally come to an agreement — that’s right, if it’s a girl, they’ll name it Kim, and if it’s a boy, they’ll name it Kanye.

While working on a deal to avoid the fiscal cliff, members of Congress spent New Year’s Eve at the Capitol. Yeah, even the guy watching the Twilight Zone marathon with his parents was like, “Talk about a lame New Year’s.”

I heard that Dunkin’ Donuts is testing a new line of gluten-free pastries. So if you’re looking to eat healthy, still no.

On Monday night, thieves broke into the Apple store in Paris and stole one million dollars worth of iPhones and iPads. That’s right — they took four iPhones and two iPads.

Thursday Jan 03 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

John Boehner was re-elected speaker of the house, which is pretty amazing — a Republican winning anything these days.

Chris Christie also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, “Hey, we don’t do anything for anybody.”

President Obama signed the new fiscal cliff tax increase into law while vacationing in Hawaii today. He used an autopen, an electronic way of signing your name when you’re not even there. Politicians can now raise your taxes while they’re on vacation in Hawaii. This is a Democrat’s dream come true.

The National Journal says that Joe Biden may be the most influential vice president in history. Joe Biden got this exciting news while he was walking President Obama’s dog, Bo.

Late Show with David Letterman

Has anyone seen Al Gore’s Current TV? I don’t mean by mistake. I mean, who’s actually watched it?

Well, Al-Jazeera has purchased Al Gore’s old TV network, Current TV. So it’s now owned by Al-Jazeera. And listen to this: $500 million. This is a little something Al Gore has come up with called “global fleecing.”

Al Gore, Al-Jazeera; Al-Jazeera, Al Gore.

Al-Jazeera has some fabulous programming lined up. They’ve got a new show called “Storage Jihad.” They have “Project Burka.” And a show called “Real Virgins of Fallujah.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, “Well, that’s enough work for the year.”

Today the Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women said they’re very excited, and look forward to proving they can accomplish just as little as male senators.

Older members of the Academy are having trouble submitting their Oscar votes this year because for the first time, they are voting online. The good news is that “Les Miz” has gotten a lot of votes for Best Picture; the bad news is, most of them were typed into a microwave.


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