Sunday Funnies

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Nov. 16-23, 2012

“President Obama has wrapped up his four-day, three-country trip to Asia. And insiders say the last 96 hours were very productive. The president said he may have found a country in Asia that can make

Twinkies for us.” –Jay Leno

“We’re headed for a fiscal cliff and President Obama is in a tough spot. Because the Democrats did so well on Election Day, he’s running out of Republicans he can blame this on.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney was photographed at a gas station in San Diego filling up his car, then he was spotted later in the day at Disneyland. See, that’s when you know you’re rich – when you can afford to fill up your car with gas and go to Disneyland on the same day.” –Jay Leno

“France says the U.S. hacked its government computers. Cyberwar is new to them. France has never surrendered online before.” –Jay Leno

“Israel’s Iron Dome defense is intercepting 90% of Hamas’ missiles. Usually to see that many interceptions you have to watch Tony Romo play.” –Jay Leno

“Joe Biden made his birthday wish today. Right after blowing out the candles he asked everyone, ‘Am I invisible yet?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there. Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies.” –Jimmy Fallon


“This week, CBS News became the first news organization besides Fox to ask President Obama ‘Who changed the Benghazi talking points? See, this is very dangerous to the White House if journalists should suddenly start asking real questions.” -Jay Leno


“You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million Powerball lottery? Former Democrats”- Jay Leno

Thursday Nov 29 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

President Obama and Mitt Romney had lunch together at the White House today. In fact, Romney offered to buy Obama lunch but the president said, “No, no it’s on our grandchildren. They’ll take care of it. Don’t even worry about it.”

I guess it was a closed event: There was no press allowed, there were no cameras, no recordings — to which Mitt Romney said, “I’m not falling for that one again.”

The big topic continues to be the “fiscal cliff.” That’s not a term that normal people use. People don’t relate to that. You want to use words people understand. Say we are headed for “broke-a** mountain.”

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for assault last night in New York City. I guess she punched another woman in the face and knocked her down at a club at four o’clock in the morning. This is the closest Lindsay has come to a hit in years.


Powerball officials say two people won the $580 million. Congratulations to the winners — Mitt and Ann Romney.

Today Mitt Romney had lunch with President Obama. It was an awkward moment when the bill came and Obama only offered to pay 47 percent.

President Obama had lunch with Mitt Romney. There was an awkward moment when Romney looked around and said, “So how much do you want for the place?”

The man who got the Mitt Romney face tattoo is having it removed because he said “Romney has no dignity.” Once you get a face tattoo, you’re no longer allowed to talk about dignity.


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