“No one knows what David Petraeus will do next. All I know is he’s in for one awkward Thanksgiving.” –Craig Ferguson
“Another big storm could hit the Northeast by Wednesday, preventing millions from visiting relatives for Thanksgivin
g. But there’s also a downside.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Today, President Obama pardoned the Thanksgiving turkey. The turkey then turned right around and pardoned the president for the bad economy.” -Jay Leno
If you’re a turkey right now and still alive, stay out of the kitchen, don’t answer the door, and don’t accept rides from strangers.
PETA says turkeys are being bred to have such large breasts that some are dying of heart attacks. The Real Housewives of Orange County were shocked to hear you can die from that.
In Sheboygan, Wisconsin, a turkey knocked out electrical power to 1500 homes when it flew into a power line. Jay wonders if the turkey was on a suicide mission to help save his friends.
Leno has a Thanksgiving cooking tip. Baste your turkey with Red Bull. This will make your relatives that are visiting eat faster and leave sooner.
There are two Thanksgiving tables at Arnold Schwarzenegger’s house – one for the kids he admits to and ones where they are still waiting for the paternity results.
–extracted from Jay Leno monologue November 21, 2012