Sunday Funnies

Oct. 25, 2012

“Home sales are up. That’s certainly good news. Do you know the most expensive home for sale in the country right now? The White House.” –Jay Leno

“According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls.” –Jay Leno

“There’s been some talk about making Election Day a national holiday so people have more time to vote. I think people are so sick of this election. How about making the day AFTER Election Day the holiday?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know why? When you’re $16 trillion in debt, they don’t let you in.” –Jay Leno

“While he was at a diner this week in Ohio, a man told Joe Biden that he’s a good guy but a bad vice president. Which gets even worse when you hear that was the only thing President Obama said the entire lunch.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Anybody excited about the World Series? The San Francisco Giants, who looked pretty good last night, face the Detroit Tigers. Here’s what I predict. I predict the whole thing will be decided in Ohio.” –David Letterman

“How about the Giants’ Pablo Sandoval? In the game last night, he had three home runs and a single. And today Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees said, ‘You can do that?'” –David Letterman

“Sandoval hit three homers in the first game against the Tigers in the World Series, and today, first thing, Donald Trump demanded to see his birth certificate.” –David Letterman

“The debates are over. All that’s left right now is to set up and rig the voting machines.” –David Letterman

Oct. 26, 2012

“Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.” –Bill Maher

“Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they’re not, looking for handouts. It’s like running for president.” –David Letterman

“You know who is celebrating a birthday? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He’ll be 55 years old on Sunday. The United States has put severe sanctions on his cake.” –David Letterman

“President Obama is now getting some criticism for calling Mitt Romney a B.S.’er. I don’t think that means ‘big spender.'” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump has been fired from managing the upscale condominium in New York City known as ‘Trump Place.’ The condominium board fired him. Finally a job loss Obama can be happy about. ” –Jay Leno

Oct. 29, 2012

“Lindsay Lohan sent out a tweet urging people not to panic over hurricane sandy. She said the correct time to panic is if anyone sees her in a rental car. Then you should evacuate the area.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama now has a 52-point lead with Hispanics. However, Mitt Romney has a 90-point lead with the people who hire Hispanics.” –Conan O’Brien

“A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Mitt Romney’s campaign logo on his face. They describe the man as a staunch Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers.” –Conan O’Brien

“Folks back east are feeling the devastating effects of Hurricane Sandy — 100-mile-an-hour winds, lot of folks without power. Because of the hurricane, both candidates have had to cancel speeches and campaign events. So at least some good has come out of it.” –Jay Leno

“The Giants swept the Tigers four straight to win the World Series. The last time a Tiger took a beating this bad, he had a nine-iron through the back window of his Escalade.” –Jay Leno

“I don’t want to say that was a tough World Series, but today Detroit asked for another bailout.” –Jay Leno

“They keep saying the candidates are out making stump speeches. You know why it’s called a stump speech? Because after a candidate is done with his speech, you’re completely stumped as to what he said.” –Jay Leno

“This storm could mean the biggest power outage since the Yankees in the playoffs.” –David Letterman

“It was so windy yesterday that a Jets receiver was actually blown into the end zone.” –David Letterman

“President Obama said that Americans should take warnings about Hurricane Sandy seriously. So step one: Give it a name other than Sandy. I mean, come on.” –Jimmy Fallon

Oct. 30, 2012

“This is the day after Hurricane Sandy, and once again we have no studio audience. We don’t care, we’re still going do a show. I had to come in. I’ve used up all my sick days.” –David Letterman

“Economic losses could reach $20 billion. And most of that is in paper towels.” –David Letterman

“I feel like Clint Eastwood – an old guy talking to empty chairs.” –David Letterman

“I watched a lot of storm coverage over the last couple of days. I spent 36 hours watching weather reporters standing in water while telling us not to stand in water.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Governor Christie does a great job with the storm press conferences. It’s hard to be boring in the middle of a disaster but somehow Mayor Bloomberg manages to do it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We’re still dealing with Hurricane Sandy here in New York. A lot of people on the East Coast don’t have access to Facebook or Twitter. Everybody was like, “How am I supposed to complain about not having Facebook or Twitter if I don’t have Facebook or Twitter?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The stock market was closed for two days, yesterday and today. You know what that means? Although our lives were in danger, at least for two days our money was safe.” –Jay Leno

Oct. 31, 2012

“Well, we have an audience back. Even before Hurricane Sandy I always thought that it took a great deal of courage for people to sit through this show.” –David Letterman

“The presidential race continues. Did you forget about that for a few days? Maybe the only good thing about the hurricane is that we forgot about the presidential race.” –David Letterman

“I had a trick-or-treater tonight who stood outside on my porch for an hour, didn’t ring the bell, didn’t knock on the door. I said, ‘Who are you supposed to be?’ He said, ‘I’m an undecided voter.'” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump, did you see him today? He was giving candy only to kids who could show their birth certificate and their school records.” –Jay Leno

“Economists say rebuilding after Hurricane Sandy will give the ailing construction industry a huge boost. In fact, the storm has already created more jobs than President Obama.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama canceled the White House Halloween party. He canceled after hearing Joe Biden was coming as ‘Slutty Joe Biden.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Due to the tough economy, two of the world’s biggest publishing houses have decided to merge and become one. In fact, they’re only going to publish one book this year – ’50 Shades of Harry Potter.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Folks, it’s one week before the election, and Christie is praising a Democrat. What’s next, a Democrat praising Christie? It’s unnatural; it’s like kissing your sister. Which, by the way, would be federal law if Obama is elected.” –Stephen Colbert

“In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots.” –Stephen Colbert

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