Sunday (Evening) Funnies

Sept. 20-21, 2012

“In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there’s one thing he’s learned, it’s that you can’t change Washington from within. So what is he saying — that if we want real change, we should throw him out?” –Jay Leno

“Obama has gone from ‘Yes we can.’ to ‘I’m sorry. No one can.'” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney’s campaign released his 2011 tax return. Democrats still want him to release all his tax returns for the last 10 years. Romney says he can’t do it, and he’s got a good excuse. He says his dog ate them and then Obama ate the dog.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, instead of Secret Service protection, the White House is using replacement refs to guard President Obama.” –Jay Leno

“It’s been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. I think the technical term is ‘jumping ship.'” –Jay Leno

“Political pundits are taking Mitt Romney to task, saying his latest gaffe was not ‘presidential.’ Vice presidential, sure. That’s Joe Biden territory.” –Jay Leno

“Newsweek has a new cover story titled ‘Muslim Rage.’ Can you believe that? They’re still publishing Newsweek.” –Jay Leno

“New documents show that Mitt Romney’s campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney’s advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means.” –Jimmy Fallon

Sept. 22, 2012

“Mitt Romney on Friday released his 2011 tax returns, which showed he paid 14 percent rate, so just a little less than what restaurants add on for parties of six or more.” –Seth Meyers

“The 14 percent tax rate Romney paid is less than the 20 percent paid by the average American. How does he pay such a low rate? He claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents.” –Seth Meyers

Sept. 24, 2012

“Congratulations to both Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on “60 Minutes” last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent.” –Jay Leno

“The president’s re-election campaign slogan is “Forward,” which is also his policy on paying for stuff.” –Jay Leno

“A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, “Obama, please save my home.” To which Obama said, “Hey lady, I’m trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?” –Jay Leno

“A new book claims the reason Texas Gov. Rick Perry did so terrible in the debates and forgot everything was due to a sleep disorder. Apparently the disorder was he slept through grade school, high school and college.” –Jay Leno

“Monica Lewinsky is writing a memoir about her affair with Bill Clinton. Not a moment too soon. According to reports, she will reveal that he wanted to have a threesome. So despite being a Rhodes Scholar, despite being president of the United states, it turns out he’s just a regular guy like you and me.” –Jay Leno

“A civil rights group said that up to 10 million Hispanics could be blocked from voting in the upcoming election because of these changes to the voting laws 10 million. And that’s just here in LA.” –Jay Leno

Sept. 25, 2012

“A new poll found that Mitt Romney is behind in Florida by 1 percent. Which is weird because if there’s one group that loves Romney, it’s definitely the 1 percent.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “Trouble with the Curve,” opened in third place this weekend after making only $12 million. Of course, when he saw a movie theater had so many empty seats, Eastwood was like, ‘Look at these crowds!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, last week in Vermont, the guy from the Dos Equis beer commercials — you know “the most interesting man in the world” — he hosted a fundraiser for President Obama. See, that shows you how things have changed. Four years ago the slogan was hope and change. Now it’s ‘stay thirsty my friends.'” –Jay Leno

“At a concert the other night, Madonna promised fans that she will strip naked if President Obama is reelected. Is it just me, or does that sound like an endorsement for Mitt Romney?” –Jay Leno

“The U.N. has opened up. Leaders of countries from all over the world have come here. They have diplomatic immunity so they can do stuff and get away with it. It’s like Lindsay Lohan.” –David Letterman

“The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is here. He hates Jewish people, he hates gay people. And I thought, well, he’s come to the right place.” –David Letterman

“Ahmadinejad is always shooting his mouth off, ranting about this, ranting about that. I said to myself, ‘I bet this guy’s always in a bad mah-mood.'” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney’s campaign is $11 million in debt. This is the guy that’s going to fix our economy?” –David Letterman

“Mitt is out now riding on a bus. I think it’s his first time riding on a bus. He’s trying to show the world that he’s s regular guy, and he’s taking a bus tour. It’s just like the Willie Nelson bus, except on Mitt’s bus, the brownies are brownies.” –David Letterman

Sept. 26, 2012

“Mitt Romney’s campaign said Obama is spiking the ball too early in Ohio after recent polls show Obama pulling ahead. Obama hasn’t earned that win yet, which is why today the NFL replacement refs just gave it to him anyway.” –Jimmy Fallon

“At a recent concert, Madonna told the audience she would strip naked if President Obama is re-elected. In a related story, President Obama is now trailing in the polls by 97 percent.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s rumored that in a recent Univision interview, Mitt Romney wore makeup to appeal to Latino voters. I can’t wait to see Romney’s appearance on BET.” –Conan O’Brien

“Let me tell you how crazy Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is. Today he actually defended the NFL’s replacement refs.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is so confident that he’s thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again.” –Jay Leno

“Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is always angry. Yesterday he said, however, that in fact he does not hate gay people. He went on to say that Iran is on its way to developing one of its own.” –David Letterman

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