Sunday Funnies

May 10, 2012

“President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage because his position has evolved. Then today he flew to George Clooney’s house. So things are evolving a lot faster than we expected.” –Conan O’Brien

“The White House admitted that Vice President Biden’s endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney has issued an apology for some of his high school pranks that went a little too far. Probably the meanest prank was the time he bought his high school and fired everyone in it.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama says he supports same-sex marriage. Not only that but he’s going to turn his birth certificate into a musical.” –David Letterman

“My question with the same-sex couples is: Who drives, who nags? Who says let’s order dessert and who says I’ll just have a bite?” –David Letterman

“Can you be in a heterosexual marriage and also have a gay marriage? Can you have one of each?” –David Letterman

“President Obama’s in town for a fundraiser. Forty grand a plate — because nothing says ‘man of the people’ like demanding 40 grand for some rubbery chicken.” –Craig Ferguson

“The guests included Leonardo DiCaprio and Barbra Streisand. It must have been awkward though. Everybody in Hollywood thinks they’re the world’s most important person. So it must be kind of weird when in walks the world’s actual most important person.” –Craig Ferguson

“Insiders say Obama’s pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been ‘acting’ like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.” –Craig Ferguson

“I’m a little surprised how much everyone in show business wants a second term for Obama. An over-hyped sequel with a bloated budget — that’s not the Hollywood I know.” –Craig Ferguson

“After President Obama announced his support for gay marriage, his campaign raised a million dollars in 90 minutes. That explains why today Mitt Romney actually supported gay marriage from noon to 1:30.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has come out in support of gay marriage. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight’s big Hollywood fundraiser. What are the odds?” –Jay Leno

“Today Newt Gingrich didn’t agree or disagree on the gay marriage thing. However, he did say there should be a term limit on all marriages.” –Jay Leno

May 11, 2012

“President Obama said he was evolving and then he came out for gay marriage. Conservatives, of course, are furious – not about the gay thing, about evolution.” –Bill Maher

“When Mitt was in prep school he led a pack of his friends to forcibly hold down this sensitive gay kid as he screamed and cried, and then cut off his hair, because he had too long hair for Mitt’s tastes. And today Mitt’s dog said, ‘I thought I had it bad.” –Bill Maher

“I don’t know what it’s like at your salon, but at mine, isn’t the guy cutting the hair the gay one?” –Bill Maher

“The head of the RNC Reince Priebus attacked Democrats today for worshipping Hollywood movie stars. And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan.” –Bill Maher

“This week President Obama was finally outed as a Democrat.” –Seth Meyers

“In an interview with ABC News on Wednesday, President Obama said, ‘It is important for me to affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married.’ OK buddy, we get it, you’re not a Muslim.” –Seth Meyers

“Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama’s support of gay marriage, accusing the president of leading a war on traditional marriage. And Limbaugh wants it to mean something if he ever gets traditional-married for the fifth time.” –Seth Meyers

“President Obama was in town last night for a big fundraiser at George Clooney’s house. I had a hunch that the President was in town because on my way to work last night on Sunset Boulevard, I saw a Secret Service agent arguing with a hooker.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama was in town last night for a big fundraiser at George Clooney’s house. They want to have a fundraiser with lots of celebrities so the choice is pretty much George Clooney’s house or Promises rehab center in Malibu.” –Jay Leno

“This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn’t know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor.” –Jay Leno

“Today Mitt Romney apologized for holding down Michele Bachmann’s husband and cutting his hair.” –Jay Leno

“North Carolina has outlawed gay marriages, and today San Francisco outlawed straight marriages. What’s going on?” –David Letterman

May 14, 2012

“There was a huge fundraiser for President Obama at George Clooney’s house last Thursday night. They raised over $15 million. Actually, one awkward moment: When they were handing President Obama the check… the Chinese ambassador stepped in and said, ‘I believe that belongs to us.'” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has jumped to a seven-point lead over President Obama in a national poll. I think Romney’s starting to get cocky. Today he threatened to pin down Joe Biden and pull out all of his hair plugs.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service – a place in America where prostitution is legal.” –Jay Leno

“JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That’s 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers.” –Jay Leno

“The Pentagon, concerned that it was spending too much money on studies, issued a study to study the studies. Unfortunately they ran out of money before the study could be completed, which, I guess, answers the question.” –Jay Leno

“Over the weekend Betty White endorsed Barack Obama. I think I’m going to wait and hear what Angela Lansbury has to say.” –David Letterman

“JPMorgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. They made bad investments — for example, those gay wedding chapels in North Carolina. What were they thinking?” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants.” –David Letterman

“Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place.” –David Letterman

“President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, ‘You can be whatever you want to be,’ while Romney was like, ‘I can be whatever you want me to be.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? – that he doesn’t know what to say in a commencement speech.” –Jimmy Fallon

“On Saturday President Obama and Joe Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. Joe Biden’s handicap is 20, while Obama’s handicap . . . is Joe Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It’s great – now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.” -Jimmy Fallon

May 15, 2012

“Earlier today President Obama went on ‘The View.’ He went on ‘The View’ because they’re the only group of women the president trusts his Secret Service agents to be around.” –Conan O’Brien

“The new Newsweek has President Obama on the cover with a headline, “The First Gay President.” Apparently, the new Newsweek editor is a 3rd grade bully.” –Conan O’Brien

“As of Friday you’ll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who’s ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, ‘Now there’s a sound investment.'” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama raised $1 million at a fundraiser hosted by Ricky Martin. Obama thanked Martin for his contribution to the campaign, while Joe Biden thanked him for his contribution to Menudo.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Police in California just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. The police were very angry about finding all that weed until the wind changed direction.” –Jimmy Fallon

“I just read about a new 24-hour day care that’s opening in India. Yeah, it’s pretty cute, instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The average college graduate now leaves school $27,000 in debt. But the good news is that now it means they are more than qualified to work as financial advisers at JPMorgan.” –Jay Leno

“The new issue of Newsweek has President Obama on the cover with the caption ‘The First Gay President.’ … Can you believe that? They’re still publishing Newsweek? Really?” –Jay Leno

“Same-sex marriage would have men married to men and women married to women. Well, who complains about the credit card bill and who says, “Well, you want me to look nice, don’t you?” And who writes the thank-you notes and who just signs their name?” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul is out of the race, ladies and gentlemen. It’s not surprising that Ron Paul quit. Who could keep going at that white-hot pace?” –David Letterman

May 16, 2012

“A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick ‘an incredibly boring white guy as running mate.’ When he heard that, Joe Biden said, ‘Thanks, I’ve already got a gig.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Dalai Lama is saying that China trained a woman to assassinate him by putting poison in her hair. Luckily, the Dalai Lama had recently just stopped eating hair ” –Conan O’Brien

“Ron Paul has announced he’s no longer campaigning. He’s dropped out of the race. Can you tell the difference?” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul announced to supporters that he was discontinuing his campaign by email. There were two emails he sent out. The first one was blank and then he had to send out the other one.” –David Letterman

“Here in New York City, they have a law now that if you’re a police officer and you see somebody who looks suspicious, you can stop them and frisk them. And I thought, ‘Well, now wait a minute, in New York City, everybody looks suspicious!'” –David Letterman

“Today Herman Cain endorsed Mitt Romney. This is possibly very important because as goes Herman Cain, so go the other two black Republicans in America.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Ron Paul made an announcement on Monday, saying he’s dropping out of the race for president. This was his third race for president. He ran in 2008 against John McCain and against Lincoln in 1860.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A new poll found that Mitt Romney is actually ahead of President Obama among female voters. That explains Obama’s new slogan, ‘I’m Barack Obama, and I loved ’50 Shades of Grey.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy.” –Jay Leno

“The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan’s $2.3 billion loss. I believe it’s called ‘Operation wink, nod, and look the other way.'” –Jay Leno

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