Sunday Funnies

May 2, 2012

“President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn’t as big a surprise as last year’s Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big.” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden stayed behind. He did not go on this trip. Well, thank God for that. What if there had been an emergency here at home and Americans needed somebody to come up and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn’t have ordered a hit. He would’ve canceled his healthcare.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan — ‘Forward’ — that’s the slogan. And believe me, if unemployment doesn’t improve by November, it’ll be ‘Forward my mail.'” –Jay Leno

“Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I’m surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. I can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl or a Jamba Juice.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise. They are getting a lot of retweets from one user — @secret service.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that a third of Americans would not be able to pass the U.S. citizenship test. It’s true. That’s a real insult to our founding fathers—Denzel Washington and George Jefferson.” –Jimmy

“Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he ‘made up’ a girlfriend in his autobiography. It’s a good thing Oprah’s off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of the book club.” –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Least Inspiring One-Word Campaign Slogans”

10. Up
9. Down
8. Sideways
7. Neutral
6. Futile
5. Backward
4. Feckless
3. Lame
2. Rejected
1. Erect

May 3, 2012

“Well, as you know, President Obama was in Afghanistan earlier this week, as part of his big ‘Did I Mention I killed bin Laden?’ tour.” –Jay Leno

“The Army is releasing Osama bin Laden documents including his final words. I think they were, ‘Who’s knocking on my door at this hour?'” –Jay Leno

“President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same.” –Jay Leno

“A new biography about the president states that he took ‘artistic liberties’ in his memoir and says that he ‘fictionalized details for narrative clarity.’ That means President Obama just made some crap up. How is this news? He’s a politician. How do you think he got to be the president? You make crap up. You want to be a senator, you come out of college, you start lying and you just don’t quit.” –Craig Ferguson

“It’s weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn’t something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I’m thinking, oh, very smooth. Because if there’s one thing I know that women love, it’s being blurred together with other women.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama hosts an early Cinco de Mayo White House party today. I thought it was weird when he made all the guests climb over the fence to get in.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, did you guys hear about this? Last week, the brakes on President Obama’s limousine were apparently damaged while he was in Georgia. Yeah, Obama tried to call AAA, while Biden tried to call the Geico gecko.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has promised now that we’ll be out of Afghanistan by 2024. That’s just right around the corner. That’s the same deal I have with CBS.” –David Letterman

May 4, 2012

“Obama went to Afghanistan on the anniversary of killing bin Laden. He made a big speech about how we’re winning the war and how our troops are coming home. Of course, we’re not winning the war and the troops are not coming home. Other than that, a great speech.” –Bill Maher

“And the Republicans, of course, were livid that on the anniversary of the killing of bin Laden, that Obama went over there and celebrated that. How dare he run for President using his accomplishments as President. We knew his campaign would be ugly, but stooping to facts?” –Bill Maher

“Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up to celebrate a war he lost. If he had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume.” –Bill Maher

“And poor Mitt Romney, trying to make hay out of this. Mitt Romney who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan’s border to get bin Laden, this week said, ‘Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.’ Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?” –Bill Maher

“New Rule, Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a ‘wild ride.’ Seeing how he looks exactly like Mr. Toad. Oh, in fairness, there’s a difference between Newt’s campaign and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt got the endorsement of Michele Bachmann. Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus said he would also like to get behind Romney.” –Bill Maher

“President Obama on Monday unveiled his re-election slogan, ‘Forward.’ Which is strange because it seems like every forward I get is Anti-Obama.” –Seth Meyers

“According to documents recovered from Osama Bin Laden’s compound before his death, the Al Qaeda leader was worried that morale in the terrorist organization was fading. Bin Laden was concerned that his men were so depressed they wouldn’t commit suicide.” –Seth Meyers

“The documents also revealed that a spokesperson for Al Qaeda had said that Fox News ‘lacks neutrality.’ I’m not usually one to defend Fox News but right back at ya, Al Qaeda.” –Seth Meyers

“President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills.” –David Letterman

“Mitt’s wife Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt, said there’s another Mitt Romney that is wild and crazy. She says that one time he changed his name to Mitta World Peace.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential race. Next stop: ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” –David Letterman

“Now Newt will not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of losing by a landslide.” –David Letterman

“This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, ‘Forward.’ … And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, ‘My money might be offshore, but my heart’s right here in America.'” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow’s Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo, of course, celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. You know, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you’re probably an alcoholic already.” –Jay Leno

“We are learning more and more from those newly released documents from Osama bin Laden’s compound. For example, it said bin Laden was not a great businessman — like when he bought a bomb the salesmen would always trick him into buying the extended warranty.” –Jay Leno

“In an effort to curtail health costs, the Food and Drug Administration is now considering allowing the purchase of drugs without a prescription. You know what that means? One day Americans could actually be able to buy marijuana without ever seeing a doctor.” –Jay Leno

“More than 330 million shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It’s great – now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns YOU.” –Jimmy Fallon

May 7, 2012

“France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. He surrendered.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has his new re-election campaign slogan. It’s just one word: Forward. Have you been watching this election? Can we press fast forward? Can we just get this thing over with?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president’s exact words were, ‘I hope I won’t have to change my address.'” –Conan O’Brien

“In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom ‘Will & Grace’ made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama.” –Conan O’Brien

“France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday France elected a new president. When the French secret service hires prostitutes, it is not a scandal. It is called test driving mistresses for your boss.” –Craig Ferguson

“The French president got voted out. So ‘adieu’ to Nicolas Sarkozy. He’s riding his ‘bicyclette’ off into the sunset.” –Craig Ferguson

“After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation’s economy. Or as Obama put it, ‘Uh-oh.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday on CBS, Newt Gingrich said it would be ‘inconceivable’ for Mitt Romney to choose him as a running mate. And today, Romney issued a statement saying, ‘Yep.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“More details about the Secret Service scandal. The ‘Today’ show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid.” –Jimmy Kimmel

May 8, 2012

“Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, ‘When I can’t sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for president and it puts me right out.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama’s re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama’s new campaign slogan: If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican.” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum gave Mitt Romney his endorsement. So Mitt gets all of Santorum’s delegates and all of his sweater vests.” –David Letterman

“They’re looking for a vice president for Mitt and I said to forget the vice president. You ought to be looking for a personality for Mitt.” –David Letterman

“I hate to dampen everybody’s spirit but they busted up another one of these exploding underpants plots. All I can say is thanks a lot, underpants bombers, because now at airport security we have to put our underpants in a tray.” –David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama never endorsed gay marriage. But now he’s in favor of gay Secret Service agents.” –Jay Leno

“That Colombian prostitute caught in the middle of this whole Secret Service scandal is now speaking out publicly. She says she feels used, abused, undervalued, and underappreciated. Here’s an idea: stop being a prostitute. If you stop doing that, maybe your life will turn around.” –Jay Leno

“Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?” –Jay Leno

“New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?” –Jay Leno

“Last night Rick Santorum finally endorsed his former rival for president. This is the fun part where people who say bad things about each other suddenly pretend they’re on the same team. It’s like a ‘Jersey Shore’ special.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Usually they do these on TV together, but in this case Santorum made the endorsement in the 13th paragraph of an email he sent out just before midnight. Sounds like somebody had a bottle of sparkling apple cider for dinner.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Santorum woke up this morning and said, ‘I endorsed who?'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In the email, Santorum acknowledged his differences with Romney, but said they have common-ground thoughts about the economy and foreign policy. And they both like pleated Dockers.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today happens to have been National Teacher Day… National Teacher Day has been around since 1953, and it seems like a nice gesture, until you realize that there’s also a National Donut Day, which gets more attention.” –Jimmy Kimmel

May 9, 2012

“President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don’t believe in gay marriage OR evolution.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Tomorrow Obama happens to have a fundraising dinner at George Clooney’s house. Very interesting. I think they are getting married!” –Jimmy Kimmel

“North Carolina voted to approve an amendment that specifically defines marriage as between a man and a woman, which makes no sense because they let ‘Dawson’s Creek’ shoot there for years.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I’m pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama officially announced he is in favor of gay marriage. Of course, this is a monumental event. This is the first time Joe Biden said something Obama didn’t have to apologize for.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, he changed his campaign slogan from ‘forward’ to fabulous.” –Jay Leno

“The women know what this means. Now all the good ones will be married AND gay.” –Jay Leno

“You know who is really against the president’s position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse.” –Jay Leno

“My position is simple. I support any wedding I don’t have to go to.” –Jay Leno

“Michele Bachamnn has announced she is now also a citizen of Switzerland. What better way to protest a president you think is socialist than become a citizen of a country with a socialist philosophy and a mandated health care plan.” –Jay Leno

“Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. He said he hoped his support would make it easier for gay people to get married and for John Travolta to get a massage.” –Conan O’Brien

“This week President Obama awarded Burt Bacharach the Gershwin Prize. If that doesn’t increase Obama’s street cred, nothing will.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s come down to Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. And Mitt Romney is fighting this image that he has no personality, and the reason for this, of course, is that he has no personality.” –David Letterman

“Membership and recruiting of Al Qaeda is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants.” –David Letterman

“Let’s just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what?” –David Letterman

“Today President Obama said he supports gay marriage, which is great news for the gay community. It wasn’t all positive though. He also said the show ‘Glee’ has jumped the shark.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people.” –Craig Ferguson

“Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco.” –Craig Ferguson

“Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married.” –Craig Ferguson

“Today Barack Obama became the first U.S. president to endorse same-sex marriage. Obama said he thinks same-sex marriage should be legal. Then he said, ‘Okay, now where’s my show on Bravo?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today Barack Obama became the first sitting president to push the rainbow button and launch gay-mageddon.” –Stephen Colbert

“Suck it gays! By which I mean, do not.” –Stephen Colbert

Source