Sunday Funnies

Jan. 18, 2012

“A new poll says 84% of Americans disapprove of Congress’ job. The other 16% weren’t aware Congress was doing one.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That’s not a tax, that’s barely a tip.” –Jay Leno

“An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don’t know what’s more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets.” –Jay Leno

“Wikipedia and a number of websites blocked themselves out to protest a piece of legislation that’s making its way through Congress right now. I’ll look it up in Wikipedia if it ever comes back.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.” –Stephen Colbert

“Politics should be like Easter candy: for sale everywhere you look, surrounded by fake grassroots and hidden from the little people until that special day.” –Stephen Colbert

“The 2012 Republican debates have now officially passed ‘The Simpsons’ for the most episodes in TV history.” –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 19, 2012

“Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.” –Conan O’Brien

“Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama’s economic adviser.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties.” –Jay Leno

“You know why President Obama chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Perry has dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, America did not want a conservative, gun happy, intellectually challenged governor of Texas for president. At least not again.” –Jay Leno

At the debate the other night, Mitt Romney said he is not an avid hunter, but he is happy to go along if someone invites him to go hunting. To which Newt Gingrich said, “Hey, maybe you can tag along with Dick Cheney.” –Jay Leno

“Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he’s arguing with three people at once, it’s his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress.” –Jay Leno

“Everybody thought that Mitt Romney was the big Iowa caucus winner, but it turns out after the recount that Rick Santorum won the Iowa caucuses. You folks know what this means? Neither do I.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich served divorce papers on his first wife while she was dying of cancer. Today his second wife went all divorce court on his ass, saying after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, he asked her to have an open marriage, while publicly touting the sanctity of traditional marriage. His new slogan is “Open your legs, America.”” –Jon Stewart

“Can Newt Gingrich be reclassified as a pollutant? A carcinogen? The guy’s like the dioxin of husbands.” –Jon Stewart

“First Mitt won Iowa, then he lost Iowa? That’s a classic Romney flip-flop.” –Stephen Colbert

‎”Rick Perry has dropped out of the race to spend more time getting leathery.” –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 20, 2012

“Meanwhile, at the debate, Mitt Romney’s got a look on his face like, ‘Three women at once? Who’s the Mormon in this race?'” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: The NAACP must take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of the their convention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead food stamps. This way I can finally answer a question that’s been bugging me for years: can Newt Gingrich run?” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney won’t release his taxes, but on the other hand, turns out Newt Gingrich wrote off two of his marriages as a total loss.” –Jay Leno

“Last night… anybody watch the debates? Newt was pretty good, I have to admit. He lashed out and said the attacks from the media make it harder to attract decent people to run for office, and he’s right. That’s why we have people like Newt Gingrich running for office.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race yesterday – which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He’s coming home and he’s not in a good mood.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday Rick Perry endorsed Newt Gingrich, saying Newt isn’t perfect, but who is? To which Donald Trump said, ‘I am!'” –Jay Leno

“President Obama was in Disney World yesterday. Someone asked if he was going to take a picture with Grumpy and Obama said, ‘Ron Paul is here? Where is he?'” –Jay Leno

“Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I’ll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney’s endorsements.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One.” –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 23, 2012

“Mitt Romney is going to release 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today, the Stanley Cup champion Boston Bruins visited the White House. President Obama told them he loves hockey as much as any black guy who grew up in Indonesia.” –Conan O’Brien

‎”After disappointing showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt’s campaign looked terminally ill – which is generally when he moves on to something better.” –Stephen Colbert

“Newt Gingrich crushed Mitt Romney on Saturday (in South Carolina). … Gingrich sealed his victory in last week’s debates by going after America’s most dangerous enemy: debate moderators.” –Stephen Colbert

“You’re not a Washington insider? You, the former Speaker of the House and Freddie Mac consulting millionaire, are the Washington insider. When Washington gets its prostate checked, it tickles you!” –Jon Stewart, on Newt Gingrich campaigning as a Washington outsider

Jan. 24, 2012

“Last night folks, Republicans held their eighteenth debate. The question on everyone’s mind: Who cares?” –Stephen Colbert

“Rick Santorum (is taking) fire from the left. He may want to get a Kevlar sweater vest.” –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned $42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren’t running for president. They’re running to be Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“People who saw Steven Tyler sing the National Anthem at the Patriots game yesterday said, ‘Nancy Regan really looks good for her age.” But Steven Tyler got some of the lyrics wrong, so now everyone thinks the song goes, ‘Flag looks like a lady.'” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Congratulations.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you’re probably an alcoholic.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We were ready for Romney to win the Republican nomination, so we had our puns ready: ‘Bright Lights, Big Mitty,’ ‘Mittizen Bain,’ and “Mormon-y, Less Problems.” But then … ‘The Gingrich Who Stole South Carolina.'” –Jon Stewart

Jan. 25, 2012

“President Obama told the nation ‘The state of our union is strong,’ while Newt Gingrich told his wife, ‘The state of our union is open.'” –Conan O’Brien

“His State of the Union speech was written so 8th graders could understand it. Which explains the part where Obama said, ‘I wasted bin Laden, LMAO!'” –Conan O’Brien

“House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she’s keeping her lips sealed — because that’s how the last surgeon left them.” –Conan O’Brien

“A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, ‘I’ll be there in five teachers.'” –Conan O’Brien

“What’s interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million.” –Conan O’Brien

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