Sunday Funnies

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Sept. 30, 2011

“A 6th grade student from Springfield, New Jersey, who asked Gov. Chris Christie for campaign advice, wound up losing his election for student council. Worse still, he asked President Obama for economic advice and he now owes his school $14 trillion.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney speaks French and John Huntsman speaks Chinese. This is America, they need to speak Spanish.” –Jay Leno

“When Michele Bachmann heard they were bilingual, she said it’s OK, as long as they don’t get married.” –Jay Leno

“Saudi Arabia has given women the right to vote, but there’s a catch. The only form of ID accepted at the polling station: Driver’s licenses.” –Jay Leno

“Florida announced that they are moving their presidential primary to January, and it will be the first in the nation. If there’s one state that is known for organized, reliable voting . . .” –Craig Ferguson

“First Lady Michelle Obama was spotted shopping at Target yesterday. Yeah, she told the Secret Service to keep their eyes peeled – not for threats, just for a person that actually works at Target.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Police in Arkansas are looking for a man who breaks into homes and sucks the toes of sleeping women. They believe he’s either an escaped mental patient or a former President of the United States. [In Clinton voice] ‘Take off your slippers.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“As governor of Texas, Rick Perry executed 236 people. Turns out many of them were guilty.” –David Letterman

‎”Nothing says democracy like a royal decree.” –Jon Stewart on Saudi Arabia letting women participate in elections

‎”So what if Rick Perry threw up all over himself? George H.W. Bush threw up all over himself and the Prime Minister of Japan.” –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Can Revitalize His Campaign”

10. Get a cool nickname, like Rick ‘The Refrigerator’ Perry
9. Promise no immigration law will ever deport Sofia Vergara
8. Vampire running mate
7. A little mascara would bring out his gorgeous eyes
6. Gain 400 pounds and become the governor of New Jersey
5. Hold contest where one lucky winner gets to be executed by Perry
4. Party like a rock star, dude
3. Appear on the ‘Late Show’ — everyone knows the road to the White House goes through Dave
2. Have one of them Nancy Grace ‘wardrobe malfunctions’
1. Figure out what the heck happened to the Red Sox

Oct. 3, 2011

“We’re learning more about these Republican candidates. Did you know Mitt Romney speaks French…did you know that? Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. Of course, Michele Bachmann was never able to learn a second language, thanks to a vaccine she was given against her will as a child.” –Jay Leno

“That terrorist Anwar al-Awlaki, who was killed last week, was American-born and was a top recruiter for al-Qaida. You don’t often see an American taking a foreigner’s job.” –Jay Leno

“Police in Massachusetts have arrested a man for allegedly planning to blow up the Pentagon and the Capitol by using radio-controlled model airplanes filled with explosives. Is this the best the terrorists have now? Using toys? What is Wile E. Coyote joined Al Qaeda. What’s next? Maybe a batch of poison cookies cooked from an EZ Bake oven?” –Jay Leno

“More than 700 protestors were arrested over the weekend for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. They say the best way to fight corporate greed is to make random people sit in traffic while they’re trying to visit their aunt in Brooklyn.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain said that as president, he will bring Republicans and Democrats together. He was the guy that brought pineapple and ham together on a pizza, so it wouldn’t be surprising.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, congratulations to the Obamas, who are celebrating their 19th wedding anniversary today. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn’t find a sitter for Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, President Obama did take Michelle out to a lovely dinner on Saturday. It was a little awkward, though. When the bill came, Obama just put it on the tab of the Chinese couple sitting next to them.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Special Forces killed the editor of al-Qaida’s magazine. So your delivery may be a little late this month. Before this guy worked for al-Qaida’s magazine, he worked for ‘Carbomb and Driver.'” –David Letterman

“It’s the third week of the Wall Street protests and they’ve closed down an entire Manhattan street. And then, the cops asked Michael Moore to move.” –Craig Ferguson

“Happy anniversary to President Obama and the first lady. They had a nice private dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time someone said ‘yes’ to an Obama proposal.” –Craig Ferguson

“I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.” –Craig Ferguson

“There are nine Supreme Court members and nine people on a baseball team. Coincidence? Yes.” –Craig Ferguson

Oct. 4, 2011

“As the Republicans continue checking underneath every available flag pin and Bible for viable candidates, presumed de facto frontrunner candidate Mitt Romney has gotta be thinking, ‘What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be.'” –Jon Stewart

“Even if Republican voters know who the real Mitt Romney is, Mitt Romney doesn’t.” –Jon Stewart

“Chris Christie announced that he will not run for president. I don’t think you have to announce that, I think you just don’t run.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Not only did Christie say he’s not going to run, he’s also not going to jog or walk anymore.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“People said it’s not fair to joke about Chris Christie being fat when they wouldn’t make the same kinds of jokes if he were gay. But it’s a whole different thing. For one thing, if he were gay, he wouldn’t be fat. I’d love to have him in the Oval Office. He’d fit right in.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In a new interview, President Obama revealed that Steve Jobs gave him an iPad last year before it was officially released. Unfortunately, it broke when Biden thought it was an Etch A Sketch and started shaking it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Big changes in the Republican field. It’s a 10-way tie for Not Romney.” –Stephen Colbert

‎”Christie made a big announcement this afternoon. I haven’t watched it yet because I don’t want to know. I’m going to pretend he announced that he’s the new iPhone.” –Stephen Colbert

“A dead cat might still be more appealing than Mitt Romney. After all, a dead cat did not create the model for Obamacare.” –Stephen Colbert

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Is Not Running for President”

10. As always, he’s following his gut
9. Wants to spend more time with pie
8. There isn’t a Quiznos within five miles of the White House
7. Afraid of going up against the Newt Gingrich juggernaut
6. Doesn’t own a tie without a mustard stain
5. He was advised against it by his closest confidante, Duncan Hines
4. Constitution requires every candidate to be able to see their feet
3. Can’t understand response because of chewing
2. Hank Williams, Jr. just compared him to Stalin
1. He was born in Kenya

Oct. 5, 2011

“They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That’s not stopping President Obama though.” –Jay Leno

“Chris Christie decided not to run. He had a big decision. He weighed the pros. He weighed the cons. He weighed himself. I like the guy. This is a candidate we could have all gotten behind. Now they’re saying he might be a Vice Presidential candidate. He’d make a great one. I’ll bet this guy knows how to spell ‘potato.'” –David Letterman

“A month ago, all we heard about was Rick Perry and now, he’s off the map. He had a worse September than the Red Sox.” –David Letterman

“Hank Williams, Jr. was fired by ESPN because he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler. That’s a rookie mistake.” –David Letterman

‎”The ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement has basically been a four-week downtown Manhattan live-in, which has spread to cities all around the country, causing the media to move its coverage dial from ‘Blackout’ to ‘Circus.'” –Jon Stewart

“Will Herman Cain become the first black President … that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he’s an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he’s … a horse.” –Stephen Colbert

“Hey, Congratulations to Donald Trump, who just welcomed his fourth grandchild! You could tell it was Trump’s grandchild because as soon as it came out, it demanded to see its own birth certificate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today first lady Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to the Secret Service headquarters. Michelle was like, ‘You guys are great. But since I was able to surprise you . . . you’re fired.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It’s kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot.” –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Plans To Spend $17 Million”

10. Death row taco bar
9. Two words: Alberto VO5
8. Hire staff to write some more great zingers like this . . .
7. Always wanted to see Branson
6. Spend a weekend at his hunting lodge with Hank Williams, Jr.
5. $8.5 million on campaign buttons; $8.5 million on bumper stickers
4. Health care for all Texans . . . I’m totally messing with you
3. Shut up or he’ll execute you
2. Get a fabulous makeover from Michele O’Bachmann’s husband
1. Buy lunch for Chris Christie


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