The Unspoken Reality

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Hi, everyone. I haven’t forgotten about you. I’ve been busy here in Afghanistan and focused more on my personal blogs, but wanted to give everyone a quick update. Additionally, I want to write something that’s been bouncing around in my head too long because it’s a hard reality. I want to put here for a few reasons: 1) I don’t think I want my wife reading this yet, 2) this is a different audience that I think would more receptive (only because you don’t know me as well), and 3) I think there is as larger, more active audience here to get the information to.

I’ve been here in Kandahar, Afghanistan about a month now. I hit the ground running and haven’t stopped yet. I was able to take a day off last week, but since there really isn’t much more to do, I just work 7 days per week. I figure I’ll take a day off every two weeks or as I need it. The days are long as well, starting at 0800 and usually getting back to my bunk around 2300.

Since getting here, I’ve been through 15 rocket attacks, 6 of them the two days following Ramadan. Nothing like celebrating the end of a RELIGIOUS holiday by committing satanic acts of barbarism. The alarms usually only give a few seconds warning before the rounds begin landing. Thankfully, these guys are idiots and most rounds are duds.

My duties keep me here on Kandahar, so I don’t go outside the wire at all (yet). I’m not complaining since I wasn’t supposed to be here anyway. I’m happy just to be doing my part to help those that DO go outside the wire and supporting them gives me a sense of purpose. But, that wasn’t always my motivation and that is the part that has been bouncing around in my head. This is a hard truth, but one I think is important because we need to pay attention for guys with thoughts similar to what I’m about to say. While part of this will be difficult to read, please hang in there until the end before you lose your mind.

As most people know, I’ve been battling mental demons for years now. For years, I was trying to get deployed again and something always came up. I wanted to deploy to “do my part” and other reasons. The problem is that for a long time, that was a lie.

In reality, I was suffering from severe depression and survivor’s guilt. I didn’t think it was fair that I got to come home and others didn’t. It wasn’t fair that I survived the explosions, the RPG duds, and the near miss direct fire engagements while others left their legs, arms and other body parts behind.

The reality is that I wanted to return and my hope was that the mental torment would end if I didn’t come back. To put it another way, I wanted to deploy so I had a better chance of dying. This is the first time I’ve ever admitted this publicly, but I can’t help but think that by saying it I can wake others up to how stupid of a thought-process that was. It’s only recently that events preventing me from deploying now make sense.

Through a lot of mental health help and personal, religious reflection I’ve learned to overcome those feelings and try to live like a somewhat normal person. I attribute the fact that my previous attempts to deploy were thwarted due to interference from my father in Heaven. I don’t think God makes it a habit to interfere in most things of the world. I believe in free agency – the idea that men are free to live or die based on their own decisions, right or wrong. This same free agency has answered that age-old question for me of why God allows wars to happen and good people to die. The reason is that we ALL have free agency, even the enemy.

I’m not sure if other Soldiers feel or have felt the way I did about deploying. Thinking on it now, it seems like such a ignorant and selfish desire. It’s not that I was going to DO something to get myself killed. The hope was that in the normal course of events, fate would intervene and prevent me from returning. I wasn’t going to shoot myself, run around without body armor, or anything like that. My mind just told me that if I go back, all will be made right if I died. It was almost as if my death would somehow bring back friends I lost. Or maybe that I would see them again. I really don’t know because from where I sit now, it doesn’t make sense at all.

However, to Soldiers suffering from severe depression, survivor’s guilt, and PTSD, it may seem perfectly normal. If you are one of those people believe me when I say it’s NOT normal.

I’m thankful that I was given the time through what I attribute as divine intervention to get fixed before I deployed. I can honestly say today that the reason I wanted to deploy this time was NOT to die, but to honestly “do my part” and to really provide myself with some closure. I WANT to go home to my family. I WANT to die an old man with the woman of my dreams that I married 16 years ago today! I want to watch my kids grow up and give me grand children to play with. I want to buy that Dodge Challenger SRT I’ve been staring at since it came out! Better yet, I want to live forever and NEVER die!

It was selfish of me to not think about those around me that love me. It was selfish of me to think of leaving my troops to deal with it. I would have impacted the lives of many Soldiers I don’t even know, from the honor guards, to the casualty assistance officer, to the clerks having to take care of all the paperwork. I would have left behind my children who need a father (yes a mother AND a FATHER).

These feelings will go away with perserverence, resilience, dedication, and mentorship. But, you have to convince yourself first that your life is important! Because it is, even if you can’t see it. I couldn’t see it last year when I was contemplating the caliber best suited for my “needs”, but instead of picking up a gun, I picked up the phone! And I’m so glad I did looking back at all that I’ve been able to accomplish over the past year and the people I’ve been able to help.

And now, I’m doing great things in Afghanistan! I had to fight to get here, but I’m here, Poo Pond and all.

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CJ, I saw one of those Dodge Challenger SRTs just yesterday.
All over silver and definitely worth having.
The driver seemed so happy behind the wheel.

What a thought-provoking post.
Made me think back of my dad and how quiet he was about his service in WWII and Korea.

Sometime ago a friend of mine was dying of cancer.
She was a Christian.
And we talked about why Death is referred to in the Bible as ”the last enemy.” (1 Corinthians 15:26)
One point sticks to this day.
As long as we draw breath we can come to a more accurate awareness of God’s purpose for us.
You had an extended period of time while you and God worked out a better understanding of why you are here.
You sound grateful for that.
And I am so glad you wrote your essay here and posted it.
There is a Hebrew Scripture in Ecclesiastes 7:2 that says,

“It is better to go to a house in mourning
than to a house party,
because that is everyone’s destiny;
and the living should take it to heart.” Common English Bible

Every now and then, even for those of us who live on the home front in relative peace, these words should be close to our hearts.

Thanks again.

CJ, I don’t know if the photo will work, but it is me with my granddaughter.

This is the quote underneath the photo:

“Sometimes Grandpas really are the best.

India Rose with my dad. She looks exactly like I did, and the tenderness he shows her reminds me of being a kid.”

From Ruby, my daughter

This is what makes it all worth while, but you have to put in the time to get there.

Get in touch if there is anything I can do or if you just need someone to scream at, my email is never over 12 hours away. You can take that to the bank my friend. What ever, whenever! Skook

CJ, thank you for your service. I know that is not much of a thank you, but it is heartfelt and sincere. You are stronger now for facing your demons and I know something of facing demons myself. I am coming up on a life changing event that I know is looming, but I have no power over the timing of it. The UNOS list is an odd beast and an even stranger lottery.

God bless you.

CJ, . . . what a pleasure to read your post, as difficult as it was for you to write, and even more difficult to have experienced. You have discovered that you are human, but the strength propelling you forward evidently comes from a deep reservoir, and you have more to discover inside yourself. If I may share, I returned from a near death experience some years ago, and what I discovered was profoundly life changing and perception altering, however, what I also rediscovered was that life here is spectacular, with all of it’s pains and joys, ups and downs.

You are extremely fortunate to have a family, spouse and children, who wish you well and who love you. Those are the best gifts we can receive.

One more note, your children chose you. You’re doing them proud. Be well.

About time you checked in, CJ. You’ve been on my mind. And I am wow’ed by your open honesty of your innermost thoughts.

I am ecstatic that you have chosen life over guilt. But I’m equally sure that my own joy pales compared to your family’s…. whether you have said so, or not, I’m sure they will notice the difference.

But what I do wonder is if you will use your own revelations, and attempt to put some of those thoughts into the heads of those around you? And more importantly, will you slide back if you do not succeed in preventing another’s battle with demons? I would guess that any and every one of them can be another ticking time bomb. I would also wager that what you try to impart would be politely received, however promptly discarded as not relevant for them personally… until, perhaps, at a later time when your words may surface from the recesses of their minds.

It’s a tricky thing, trying to help others rediscover the joy of life, love and family, CJ. Bad enough you had to take the long, circuitous route yourself to get there. I celebrate your arrival. I also hope that your long trip to this point may help another get there. One can only try, but you can’t punish yourself if they don’t. You know, better than everyone, that it is an army of one against those demons, and there is little else others can do but reach out in the darkness and try.

I admire you for your strength for not only refusing to succumb to the demons, but for the difficulty it must take to impart this very private internal stuff to others. But most of all, I have a HUGE grin, welcoming you back to life, love and the pursuit of happiness. We are glad to have your here!

Depression is a repetitive thought injury. It’s like a ball player thinking, “I should have caught the ball. I should have caught the ball. I should have caught the ball. I should have caught the ball.” It can affect anybody and cause the well off to jump off buildings and shoot up the work place at the height of their careers.

Your mind can actually play tricks on you in a positive as well as negative way. That’s why there are people that like pain. Think of the phrase, “No pain no gain.” In reality, they don’t think of it as pain at all. They have the ability to turn the pain into a positive experience using mental manipulation. For a soldier, remember that story telling needs conflict. Every veteran is a living book. The financially and mentally successful veteran I came across viewed their experience in a positive light and their worst experiences turned into funny tales.

Set long term goals. Amir Foladi plans to finish a ski resort in Afghanistan by 2015. Afghanistan use to be a place where the world’s wealthy went to ski. He’s going to need English speaking pitchmen and guides. There is also an estimated $1 trillion worth of minerals in Afghanistan and U.S., U.K. and Canadian mining companies will need English speaking guides that know the area and Afghans will need English speakers to sell the minerals they mine. Mining companies won’t be the only ones to exploit a more peaceful Afghanistan. In California during the gold rush, the saying was that it wasn’t the miners that were getting rich, it was the guys selling the shovels.

Thanks for all the comments. I read recently a scripture that I’ve kept close to me. I read it in 1 Nephi, Chapter 20:10 (I’m a Mormon, for those unaware), but a similar passage can be found in Isaiah 48:10. It says, “Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.”

I have found strength in the knowledge of the atonement and the purpose of my life. I do share my experiences far and wide. I’ve shed tears with fellow troops and passed along the knowledge I learned through counseling that we don’t “cry like babies” but “cry like men.” Our experiences are unparalleled in just about every other sector of society, so we must band together and take care of each other.

CJ, you seriously ought to consider putting your conflicts and subsequent victory over the demons of war into a book that would be there to help others in your position.

I lost a son over there. I was counting on him helping with combating ignorance and double standards back here when he returned. We need more good people here. Bring your mind, body and soul home intact please.

CJ,
thank you for your service, and also for allowing yourself to be so vulnerable, but yet strong enough to put in writing what was nagging you, tugging on your mind. Evil tries to confuse us, and sometimes it succeed, while most of the times it loses badly, as in your case, and for you to come out so strong, determined is a big win not only for you-but for all of us!
You an admirable man, and have lots to give to all of us, for that I’m thankful too!
God promises us in His Word: “I will not allow you to carry more than you can bear; I will make Wy out for you so you are able to bear it!” CJ, that’s where you are, on the other side of the tunnel; you should feel good about yourself.
I hope to hear again from soon, looking forward to read more. May God bless you, keep your and buddies safe!

@notinsomeGodforsakenplace: My heartfelt condolences for your loss. The whole damned continent isn’t worth one drop of American blood.

CJ,
I think your feelings are shared by many. My son just returned after his leave. When he was home he shared a few thoughts and experiences with me. . . like sitting on a rock for several minutes staring at the IED that didn’t explode when someone hit the tripwire. . . nonchalantly talking about the IED that wrecked his Humvee on his way to depart for leave. . . the almost daily ambushes.

Other than resenting the fact that no one in charge wants to win, or thinks we can win, he has to stay focused on each, individual task to keep the rage from overtaking him. And so must you. One foot in front of the other, 100% present moment situational awareness. Blogging is a great cathartic, and as much as we want to know and to help, I think you are better served to re-examine this through the lens of time. Otherwise I fear you may dwell too much on it too much, and the things we write in empathy will only reinforce the rage.

Stay safe, stay vigilent, and know we are grateful to you and your family and to notinsomeGodforsakenplace and his son. The absolute best thing you can accomplish is to return home and see to it that those around you do as well.

Depression . . . ah the demon of distruction . . . it is much more than a repetitive thought process that someone mentioned above . . . it is a cold steel of heart piercing emotional confusion . . . a state of never knowing or understanding something that is of such irrationality as to create a state of utter hopelessness . . . yet the human mind seeks it escape, while at the same time rising up in confrontation . . . a desire to face and defeat the demon, knowing that there is nothing tangible or real that can be defeated, killed or coerced into submission. Ultimately leading to the internalization of self destruction, perhaps not of bodily ceasing to function (physical death) but as if there is no further need to resist, giving in, quitting, no fight left . . . and the human side, the person who once we were no longer exists or even bothers to come forward . . . a dreamland, a nighmare, . . . Hell on earth.

Come ye forward, ah man of the world, find that spirit in this our time, our war . . go forward, go far, fight and take the charge . . . look for the victory, know in your heart . . . come see the demon, wrestle and wrangle . . . take the demon home with you . . . he lives in your heart . . . wrung from the spirit of no longer a part. Onward to oblivion . . . mind not the dark.

@JustAl: #11

“Other than resenting the fact that no one in charge wants to win, or thinks we can win, he has to stay focused on each, individual task to keep the rage from overtaking him. And so must you.”

JustAl, this statement on Zero leadership in the theatres of battle may be the most serious and somber statement made on this Administration and on current Pentagon leaders.

Without the will to win, and without the focus of a goal, the damage done to men and women on the ground is unconscionable. It leads to loss of life. It leads to anguish. . . . And it is criminal.

Thank you for sharing.

CJ,
i CANNOT AD MORE TO WHAT THE FRIENDS HERE SAID,
THERE IS SUCH WISDOM IN ALL THOSE SENTENCES ,
QUOTE COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE SOUL,
BUT, i FOUND SOMETHING THAT YOU WROTE SO WELL IN ALL YOUR LAST COMMENT ALSO,
IT’S THIS;
OUR EXPERIENCES ARE UNPARALLELED IN JUST ABOUT EVERY OTHER SECTOR OF SOCIETY,
YOU WROTE THAT AND IT GRAB MY ATTENTION ON HOW AMERICA NEED LEADERSHIP FOR A
PRESIDENT WHO WENT THE ROUTE OF THE EXPERIENCE YOU ENVISAGE,
FOR 2012 ELECTION WILL BE TO CONQUER THE DEMONS ALREADY AT WORKS TORMENTING THE GOOD AMERICANS,
BEST TO YOU, AND YOU ARE A TRUE LEADER, ONE THAT KNOWS TO HUMBLE HIMSELF HAS A KEY TO LEADERSHIP,

CJ

So good to hear from you…been thinking about you and your deployment. As you know, when we don’t hear from someone for awhile we start to worry, which was a well placed worry with Chris. I would agree with Mata however, don’t put your future happiness on the hopes that you may help someone get over what you have overcome. Do your best, but I’m also sure you now understand that is all you can do. Sometimes it won’t be enough to help someone too far gone, but the fact that you tried is all that truly matters.

Please put up some pictures sometime, if you don’t have time to write a post a pictorial post from Afghanistan would be awesome. I know many who would be interested in your day to day happenings in that country.

@notinsomeGodforsakenplace: I am so sorry for your loss, one hero lost is one too many.

@anticsrocks: Hopefully your moving up that UNOS list quick, although that could be a bad thing since as I understand it they put those who are the worst off on top. My former radiocar partner was put on that list and the only way he moved up was because some big wig surgeon overheard a conversation of his and offered to intervene. Funny how things work out sometimes.

@gregory_dittman – you’re exactly right. Depression is very much like a mental feedback loop – when you get into it, it spirals back on itself and intensifies, and unless the cycle gets broken, it can lead to some very bad places.
Being surrounded by death on a daily basis and seeing its seemingly arbitrary comings and goings, I imagine it must be a very real challenge to NOT give up on yourself. Your brothers in arms are dying, and there’s an urge to follow them “into the jaws of Death, into the mouth of hell” when their time comes – to try to make it fair that some will live and some will die, and it all seems so random, so horrifying, and yet so banal.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your insights, CJ, and keep up the good work!

CJ,

Good to hear from you and hopefully everything is going well over there. It took a lot of courage to get that off of your chest. I know of a couple of folks who chose the opposite COA that you chose. A former CSM of mine put it best when he said suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I instilled that thought in my troops. If there was a way for me to get you my AKO address without it being publicized I would be more than happy to give it to you in case you’d like a retired 1SG with OIF experience to unload on. Keep us updated as to what is going on over there. Take care.

@Curt: Thank you Curt. It is odd that to get better, I must first get worse. 😛

First, let me thank you for keeping up the payments after our founding fathers made the down payment for our freedoms.

I am writing two soldiers in Afghanistan: One is Zachary Dillon Carr at Camp Deh Dadi II and Mark Flinders at FOB Walton. If you happen to run across them, say hello for me.

I have never been in combat, but one of our American Legion members was telling how he was in a battle, and afterwards, he counted 22 bullet holes in his backpack. He didn’t get real emotional, but I could tell he was reliving it as he told it.

I learned a long time ago that a person needs to talk things out with the ones they trust. I used to be one of those quiet ones that people knew they could interupt me and walk all over me and I wouldn’t say anything. One time I felt like doing what you hear on the news that others have done. I decided I needed to tell people if they did something that bothered me. Are you one who holds it in, or do you have a way of releasing the preasure that buildds up?

Good to hear from you CJ, and thank you for your service. I know things are very sticky where y’all are now, a good friend is there with you (CPT C. S.). May GOD continue to bless and protect you all. It is nothing short of a miracle that none of you have been injured with all the action you have endured. Is the “hotel” still standing? I hope not. I am getting a couple local boy scout troups together to send y’all some “comfort supplies”, so keep your eyes peeled for mail.

Thanks again,
Jethro

Jethro,
please don’t forget the green hot peppers and tabasco and a pocket spray bottle.
bye and thank you

Dear CJ:

Thank you, young man, for your service, your courage and your honesty. Like another young warrior from the ancient past, I offer that you are a man after God’s own heart. I’m neither soldier nor soldier’s wife. I am, however, a mom. And as a mom, I can say you have touched my heart. I sense that you are much loved, both by the mortal and the divine. Embrace that knowledge in times of doubt.

Return home, CJ, at your appointed time. Safe, sound, and at peace with your soul.

CJ : From one grunt who has been there and done it. Do not quite never quite, keep fighting, the mental demons never take a holiday. I have done 3 tours 2 to Iraq 1 to Afghanistan last one all most did me in. It is not easy but the fact is you see it that”s half the fight. Keep strong you will make. GOD SPEED Black 3/6 out