All the lions gathered around the big flat rock for the big meeting on hyena-run health care. King Obamba cleared his throat dramatically and began:
Obamba: Listen to me and listen long. We’re talking about how I’m going to take care of all the lions by using the hyenas. I’m going to let you lions on the right do some of the talking and you lions on the left do more talking than that, but, of course, I will do more talking than all of you lions on the right combined, OK?
McCain: Wait a minute, why is that?
Obamba: I AM the King, after all, right? There was a reason I couldn’t wait to do this, wasn’t there?
McCain: Well, I….
Obamba: I have to look like I’m being fair. Let’s see. Who should go first?
Biden: Don’t look at me. I don’t have to do anything. Just Biden my time!
Obamba: Be quiet, Vice Lion Biden. I will call on one of your lead lions on the right. So, go ahead, Lemur.
Lamar: That’s “Senior Lion Lamar….”
Obamba: Whatever. Go ahead, Lemur.
Lamar: Mr. King of the United Lions, back when you kept saying “I just can’t wait to be king” all the time, you promised to do things a certain way and now you’re not. A lot of the lions are saying they don’t want the hyenas taking care of the lions and rumors are flying that you are going to force us all to do it. The RBO – the Rafiki Budget Office – says it will be a lot more costly to the lions than the way we do it now. Will you promise here and now not to Rahm this thing down our throats so we can all discuss this honestly and actually do something that will really help?
Obamba: I’m going to totally ignore that last thing you just said and I’m going to say that you are factually incorrect about the RBO…
Lamar: But I have it right here…
Obamba: No, sorry, little Lemur, I’m right, you’re wrong. Rafiki is a good friend of mine…before we’re done here, I’ll make you eat your words.
[Obamba’s little bird advisor ZatU approaches.]
ZatU: (quietly) …won’t be much else left to eat….
Obamba: ZatU, iz zat you again? I didn’t realize you were still there.
ZatU: (softly) You hardly realize anyone else but you is there.
Obamba: Well, I am the really important one here, after all.
[ZatU hands Obamba a piece of paper.]
Obamba: What’s this? (whispering to ZatU) RBO says that? (to all) Well, let me make this perfectly clear. What I meant to say is that certain types of lions at certain times will be doing better in certain ways. Why, it’s perfectly obvious that that’s what I meant to say about all that. And, you, Lemur….
Lamar: (sighing) Senior Lion Lamar….
Obamba: Whatever. You have got to stop getting us off track here with all your partisan, mean, power-grabbing type stuff….
Lamar: We haven’t had any power or say since you….
Obamba: Whatever. You see, I’ve got to look like I’m considering your ideas before I shut you down and your bringing up things like that is just less time for me to talk and look King-y and all that. Yes, My Cane, what is it?
McCain: That’s McCAIN!
Obamba: No, it’s not MY cane. You’re the one who needs a cane, you toothless old lion.
McCain: Well, anyway, I object to the PROCESS. You broke your promises when we were competing to be King. You said you weren’t doing business with the jackals and now you’re meeting with them and the hyenas all the time in secret caves.
Obamba: Toothless John, stop that, this has been very open.
McCain: Yeah, and what about the Zebra Kickback and the Smelly Warthog Purchase and all the Pork. Phew! There are so many pigs around here now.
Obamba: John, stop flapping your toothless gums, the campaign for King is over and I am the King – and you’re not. Besides, no one wants to hear you talk. They want to hear me. Well, maybe we’ll let a lion on the left talk a little. Senior Lioness Slaughter?
ZatU: No, but we will soon if these hyenas in the king’s government take over. Then you’ll see your ‘lioness slaughter’….
Obamba: Oh, is zat you, ZatU? I forgot you were there and I’m paying no attention to you. Go ahead, Lioness.
Slaughter: If we don’t let the hyenas take care of the lions, then we’ll see TERRIBLE trouble. The way things are now just won’t work. For instance, I know an old lioness that lost her teeth and she had no hyenas to give her teeth from other lions so she had to use her dead mother’s teeth, which don’t fit, and she’ll probably starve. Lions will be starving everywhere. It will be a…It will be a…a…
ZatU: Never mind.
Slaughter: Well, anyway….
Obamba: All right, that’s enough of someone who’s not me.
[Obamba talks and talks and talks with his lion chin held high….]
Obamba: What is it, Ryan?
Ryan: Can I point out the obvious that we are in drought and near famine? Does it make any sense to go all in with the hyenas when it’s never worked with anything else we’ve done with them? Most lions reject this path.
[Lion Ryan goes on several minutes with great intelligence, passion and expression, bringing a whole series of facts.]
Obamba: You’re lyin’, Ryan.
Ryan: Well, yes, I am Lion Ryan! I can’t believe you used my title, Mr. King of the United Lions!
Obamba: Just stop all that now. You’re embarrassing yourself. Well, I’m done with all this and I trust I’ve dazzled everyone with how well I’ve seemed to be balanced and listen and all that stuff. You, right lions, well, actually I’m the only lion who’s right, here, Now, if you right lions don’t be reasonable and come over to my way of doing things…. [Obamba pounds one paw into the other and slashes a paw over his throat.] My gang, RahmU, Axle Hotrod and the Chicago Thugs will have to slip you the convincer. What choice do I have? I gave you every chance today in my very munificent munificensy. That’s enough of all this hog waste. I’m going do what I really wanted to do in the first place now.
Obamba: (exits singing, with his lion chin in the air): “Everybody look left, everybody look………LEFT some more! Everywhere you look I’m standing in the spotlight! Every body look LEFT!”
ZatU: He just couldn’t wait to be King, all right. Now the rest of us can hardly wait till he ISN’T!!