Maureen Dowd’s Cheney/Obama Conversation REVISED

Maureen “I need to get laid so bad I’m shaking” Dowd tried to be her typical leftwinger snark, and she dreamed how a conversation between President Obama and former Vice President Cheney would have gone. She wasn’t anywhere as snarky as Keith Olberman, and thus she fails at the lowest level. Further, she was (as usual) completely off in her facts and perceptions.

I re-did Vice President Cheney’s responses to be more accurate. If Maureen doesn’t like it, too bad. If it gets me a Worst Person in the World award from some psuedo news twerp on MSNBC, then woohoo.

(OBAMA and GATES comments are verbatim what Dowd wrote)

[adult language alert]
OBAMA: Look, Dick, you’ve called me out on various particulars. And I have no problem with that. That’s politics. You thought Khalid Shaikh Mohammed should not be tried in New York City, and that’s fine.

And we both know that any blowhard can call me weak. But you’re not just any blowhard, Dick. You were the architect of America’s defense against terrorism. And when those folks sitting in a cave in Waziristan hear you chest-thumping, saying our guard is down, they think, “Hey, this might be a good time to attack.”

You believe in the unitary executive. You believe that if the president says something is in the national security interest of the U.S., then it is. So I am the president now, and I’m telling you that you need to put a sock in it.

CHENEY: Yeah, what was that line you had before you were elected? “I opposed this war in 2002, 2003, 2004, 05, 06, 07, and if elected I’ll end this war.” Yeah, you were so quiet and helpful when we were trying to fight Al Queda in Iraq. You, like, totally proved to them that America wasn’t a cut and run nation like they were claiming. Puh-lease. Barack, you and the rest of your leftwinger nutjobs emboldened the terrorists there, and you made the war last longer because they thought they had a chance at driving us out. Then, once it’s your turn to sit in the Oval Office, you turned right around and embraced the exact same policy that you opposed for years-our policy. You opposed the war when it was politically convenient, and now you want me to be quiet when you and Biden try to take credit for the victory we designed and you opposed? Fuck you!

GATES: Dick, the president’s right. When a former vice president calls a new president weak, it emboldens terrorists.

CHENEY: What about former Presidents like Carter? Did he embolden the terrorists? How about leading members of the Senate like Reid who declared the war was lost-four years ago? How about Kerry when he told everyone that if he wasn’t elected there’d be a draft and all the little boys in girls in America would be sent off to die in some made up neocon blood for oil conspiracy? Or maybe that dead sack o worm bait, Murtha, who said the Army was broken-back in 2004? Look, there’s not a single Democrat out there who hasn’t spoken out about the war-against it, and you’re pitchin’ a hissy-little-girl bitchfit because I think you oughtta fight harder? What dumbass wants to fight weaker?

OBAMA: You keep saying there were no terror attacks after 9/11, Dick. That’s like saying that blimps were safe after the Hindenburg. I wouldn’t have been caught flat-footed reading “The Pet Goat” to second graders.

CHENEY: No, you’d have been reading whatever the teleprompter in chief told you to read, then you’d sit on your ass for half a year deciding what to do like you did when your first Afghanistan strategy failed, and you’d windup with some lame-brained political compromise. Here’s a newsflash for you: there is no compromise on the battlefield. You fight, or you die. There’s no in between. You can’t just pretend we’re not at war.

OBAMA (shaking head in disgust): You have the audacity to say I’m “pretending” we’re not at war. You let the Taliban regroup. I sent 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. I’ve quadrupled the number of drone attacks in Pakistan. The prisoners who returned to terrorism after being released from Gitmo did so under your watch. You released one of the terrorists behind the foiled Christmas Day plot into an art therapy program in Saudi Arabia. Nice work, Dr. Phil.

CHENEY: Hey, if I had my way they’d all still be in Gitmo giving up intelligence information, but the ACLU, your campaign contributors, and the Democratic Party freaked out, told the world we were building mass gas chambers there, and dumbasses like Dickhead Durbin called the most professional of our troops, Gulag guards. You guys wanted us to release em, so we did. Eat it. Hey, didn’t you promise to close Gitmo?

OBAMA: You and W. liked Brennan well enough to put him in charge of the National Counterterrorism Center. And I didn’t want an attorney general who was a rubber stamp on torture.

CHENEY: There’s a reason he was in charge of the National Counterterrorism Center and not head of the CIA, NSA, or DNI. The guy’s a great bureaucrat, and a shitty leader. He hasn’t had a unique idea since he learned to pee standing up instead of sitting down, and even then I’m pretty sure he didn’t start until he had permission. No one put a rubber stamp on torture either. We asked how far we were allowed to go in interrogations, and the DOJ told us we could offer then smokes, talk to em, even raise our voices. We asked if we could do more than just raise our voices, and they gave us a list. This is a fucking war, moron. These people aren’t just committing crimes against people-they’re committing acts of war against the nation. All war is a crime, not all crimes are war. When you learn how to fight a war, then you’ll know what I’m talking about. Oh, and no one believes you wouldn’t turn your head while someone beat the crap outta Osama Bin Laden to find out when his next attack was gonna be.

Ya know, Scott Brown’s gonna kick your ass

GATES: Speaking of Scott, the new 41, why can’t you be classy in retirement like the original 41, Dick?

CHENEY: Like President Carter, or former DNC Chairman Howard Dean? You’re lucky I don’t go on FOX w Sarah to offset Matthews and Olberman.

OBAMA: Consensus, at last.

CHENEY: Hey, how’s Michelle doing? Is she enjoying the White House?

OBAMA: Michelle is campaigning against obesity. You might listen up on that, Dick. At least the women in my family aren’t Mini-Me’s trash-talking about the commander in chief.

CHENEY (growling): Real Americans like wings and fried food, Barack. And don’t go all John Kerry by trying to attack the women in my family.

GATES: Calm down, Dick. You don’t want to end up in the hospital like poor Bill Clinton.

CHENEY: Joe Biden’s going to end up in the hospital if he brags again that Iraq will “be one of the greatest achievements” of your administration. What a sack of bullshit. Why doesn’t some member of the press corps ask him what the difference is between the Obama/Biden plan for Iraq and the Bush Status of Forces Agreement? Hey, by the way, you pulled a nice one at the State of The Union the other day. Man, I thought for sure someone was gonna call you out on the lie that the war in Iraq is over in August and all the troops are coming home. Bet those 50-70,000 men and women were thrilled…., or, are they actually still gonna be there in August? Hmmm, I wonder how they’ll vote in the midterms-for the Dems that made their job harder for 8yrs then claimed the victory was theirs, or for the Republicans who honor them and aren’t afraid to call it a war on terror? What’s your term? Oh yeah, it’s not a war. It’s “overseas combat operations in support of Operation Enduring Freedom, Operation Iraqi Freedom and the Al Queda terrorist network.” Nice. Bet that fits on a patch real well.

OBAMA: If I don’t get re-elected, it will be because you ruined the country beyond even my ability to rescue it. Remember when you said deficits don’t matter, Dick?

CHENEY: Yeah, I said that, but Jesus…$1.2 TRILLION isn’t a deficit. That’s a fucking heart attack! At our worst we did 1/3 of that, and that took years. You did in 4 months!

OBAMA: Why don’t you go help W. with Haiti instead of spewing paranoia?

CHENEY (stomping out): Nah, I thought I’d stay here in D.C. and remind people of how you and Biden opposed the war in Iraq in 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, and in 2009 you guys walked into the Oval Office and decided not only was our plan a good one, but it was so good you’d call it your own. You two are lying sacks of campaign promise crap, and Darth Cheney ain’t just gonna spin off into space. I’m here baby, and I’m even more cybernetic that you can imagine. Go tell Biden that FDR’s on TV, or give him another Scooby Snack. I don’t care what you do, but shut up gaffeboy, or I’ll never go away.

GATES: So, that went well.