The Wonderful Wizard Of ‘uhs’ From Kansas

The four figures danced together up to the huge door. After a moment’s anxious hesitation, the Scarecrow knocked. A little door within the gate opened and a thin man with big ears and a funny hat stuck his head out.

“Who goes there? Can’t I just eat my waffles?”

“Please, sir!” pleaded Dorothy, “We just want to talk to the Wizard. We heard he could solve all of our problems.”

The Wizard!? The Wizard!? Nobody can talk to the Wizard! Not nobody, not no how! Especially if you guys are press and want to ask more than eight questions.”

“We each have one question.”

“There are four of you…that makes 57 which is less than 8…OK, you can come in.”

They entered and walked down an enormous hallway lined with 57-foot pictures of the wizard alternating with pictures of upheld hands with fingers held in the form of a zero. They then walked into a large throne room. They shook with fear. There was a large, swollen head with big ears thundering before them, “I AM The One! Who are you! WHO are YOU!”

“I am the Scarecrow. I want someone with a brain to bring some economic common sense to the energy situation…especially agriculture, of course. And I want to make some HAY! Hey? HAHAHAHA….

“Be quiet before The One! Doing without drilling, easy to gauge…” said the Wizard to himself. Next?”

“I am the Tin Man. I want someone with a heart who has values like me. Religious voters need someplace to go, too. I feel so empty inside,” said Tin Man, tapping his metal chest and startling himself with the sound.

“Yeah, who cares” he muttered under his breath. Next?”

“I am Lion.”

“So am I…”

“What was that, Wizard?”

“Nothing, go ahead.”

“Well, I want some courage shown with this awful international situation and with terrorism. We need someone with lots of experience who won’t be rattled, someone who has shown they are a realist about our enemies’ intentions, someone…”

“All right, all right, I get the point. Little girl, you’re not going to ask me a question about patriotism, are you?”

“No,” replied Dorothy, with some confusion.

“Good. Go ahead.”

“I just want a home,’ Dorothy said quite simply. “In Kansas…” she added.

“You mean that you want a good economy without too much taxation, regulation and government control so that businesses can provide more jobs and growth and make housing affordable?” asked the Wizard.

“Yeah, that’s right!” said Dorothy, smiling.

“I don’t understand that.” said the Wizard flatly.

“Oh, no!” cried Dorothy dejectedly.

“But I have every intention – and have consistently had every intention – of granting your request. Yes, I CAN!”

“YOU CAN!?” they cried in unison.

Just then Dorothy’s bloodhound “Bolger Blogger” was sniffing behind a curtain and pulled it open. Standing there operating levers was a skinny guy with big ears. Piled up next to him were books and videos on Marx, Cone’s black liberation theology, “Chicago Politics Made Simple and Profitable”, “Rezko’s Rackets”, and similar materials.

“You don’t look like a Wizard to me!” Dorothy complained.

“Well, you ought to get your glasses fixed…” he said with a scowl, and then recovered his initial sweet smile. “I mean, I’ve got something for each of you in my bag of tricks. See? Here’s a testimonial for revolutionary good-deed-doing (community service), a bleeding heart with a clock in it, a degree of “Professor of Thinkology for Lazy Lawyers”, some press clippings for not writing anything for the law review, this little scrap of paper is my voting record…”

“All of that stuff is useless. They’re just symbols, no substance!” pointed out the Scarecrow.

“Wow, you’re pretty smart already…You do have a brain. That’s not good.” noted the Wizard distractedly. “But, you know, I’m from Kansas, too, and I can get there, even though they don’t know how to vote correctly.”

Tin Man leaned to his right, “Your traveling bag says all kinds of places, Indonesia, Hawaii, Africa, but I don’t see…”

“Little sticker right here,” pointed the Wizard. “Anyway, I’ve got an enormous balloon out there and I’ve been filling it with HUGE amounts of hot air for a while now.”

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking with all your hot air, you would be getting carried away with yourself!’ joked the Tin Man.

“Come on, have a heart!” said the Wizard.

“You’re right! I realize now I’ve had one all along, and I don’t need to get one from you” agreed the Tin Man.

“Do you guys want to come with me to the bitter, confused heartland?” invited the Wizard.

“I’m brave enough to go there myself now without you interpreting for me,” said Lion.

“No! I won’t go with you!” cried Dorothy. “Now, I realize we’ve had the power all along. Guys, we should vote for people who will do what we need them to do, not for gadgets and hot air. Let’s kick our heels together and kick the heels out of office.” Then I can have a home! And a job and freedom of religion, and speech, Second Amendment…”

“Now, wait uh uh uh a minute!” said the Wizard desperately. “Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, um, uh, uh….”

“I should have thought of this for you!” said Scarecrow.

“I should have felt it in my heart!” said Tin man.

“If I want a Mother or a Daddy or a Big Brother, I won’t look for the Wizard’s big government and think I live in mean, nasty country. I don’t need to look any further than my own back yard!

Together, they all cry, waving American flags, “There’s no place like home! THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!”

[The music swells to a crescendo and fades out!]

Mark A. Lajoie