March News Roundup

Planned Parenthood Leader invents Time Travel, Disappears
 
The Leader of Planned Parenthood, Cynthia Nixon, who had earlier claimed to have invented Time Travel, has disappeared hours after a press conference where she boasted she would go back in time to visit her mother before her birth and educated her on “a woman’s right to choose.”  Planned Parenthood members are stunned and mystified at her disappearance. In other news, Rosie O” Donnell has came out and blamed the Christian Right for the recent stoning of her lesbian lover by Muslim Radicals. “Terrorists are good people too. I am sure Bush and the Nazi Christian/Republicans were the ones really behind it.” O” Donnell’s partner is still in the hospital recovering from her injuries.
 
New Setback for the Russian Space Program.
 
Moscow- A spokesman for Russian President Vladimir Putin, Igor Suvinsky, admitted problems with the new Russian Space Vehicle, Saylut, which may delay the completion of the International Space Station. The problem relates to Saylut’s  new heat shield, which has failed numerous tests. The new heat shield , a combination of sucrose, embryonic cell whites, and corn syrup, melted “Like marshmallow” during recent tests. Russian scientists are already experimenting with a straw and petroleum based replacement.
 
Bin Laden Joins Democratic Party
 
Pakistan- In what may be a publicity stunt, the leader of Al-Qaeda has recently announced he has decided to join the Democratic Party due to “common goals and values.” The Chair of the Democratic Party, Howard Dean, welcomed the news, stating: “It will build bridges and foster mutual understanding in the hopes that we may put an end to this destructive conflict.” Nancy Pelosi also welcomed the news, as she gave her first press conference wearing her new burkah as a symbol of Islamic tolerance. Jewish and Christian groups had no comment to the news.
 
Study finds link between work hours and income
 
Washington- A new study just released by the Department of Labor found a link between the hours employers worked, and their income, The study, that covered 4000 employees between the years of 2002-2004 throughout the east coast found that employees who worked longer hours tended to earn more money. The results of the study surprised many liberal economists who immediately challenged the study . “The study is clearly pro-business.” Said Leon Trosky, a liberal economist. “Not everybody wants to work hard, and they should not be penalized for it.. It’s more of the same old class warfare from Big Business and their Republican supporters and it is oppressing the average worker
 
Narcissistic Gay Man wins Right to Marry Himself.
 
San Francisco. In what is being hailed as a victory by liberal advocacy groups. A yet unnamed gay man has won the right to marry himself. “Everyone deserves equal protection under the Constitution,” stated Johann Sabastian, a lawyer for the group. “To deny him this right is clearly discrimination.” Traditional Marriage groups counter that this ruling makes a mockery of the institution and the law and plan to appeal the ruling.
 
New religious group bans sex.
 
Utah- A new religious group founded three years ago in Nevada has had a surprising drop in membership after banning sex among their parishioners a year ago. Pastor Iant Gettinany, stated he was inspired by the example of the Shakers, a similar group, whose last member died some years ago from a lack of procreation. “I really don’t understand it,” he said recently while chain smoking during a recent interview, “It is all so fustrating.”
 
Surgeon General links cancer and breathing.
 
A new study just released today by the Surgeon General has linked cancer and breathing. A study that examined 5000 patients with various forms of cancer found that each of the patients was exposed to air for years before the diagnosis was discovered. “The results are striking. There is a 100% correlation.” Said Dr. Van Helsing, one of the authors of the study. A new study by a competing university will try to confirm the results and will also have a control group composed of volunteers encouraged to breath less in the hopes that it will lessen the mortality rate. The researchers are also studying links between cancer and urination.